I loved having a little grown-up time, and it became a habit. Dressing up and going out told me that I could have a life outside my role as a mother and provider. Talking about something other than homework and play dates, being kissed—both reminded me that I still had a Life.

And then they each moved on. Leaving me lonelier than ever. Although they never exactly said it, I knew that having a kid was a drawback, especially as Tony grew up and was no longer easily charmed by presents and being tossed into the air; when he no longer went off and played by himself as my guest and I waited for the sitter to arrive, but wanted to be a part of the conversation.

When push came to shove, they all wanted an unencumbered woman. Each time, each disappointment, and I’d swear to myself that I’d stick with my little boy and forget men. I just didn’t realize that Tony wasn’t an oblivious little child; he was growing up and was all too aware of my failures.

*   *   *

No, I don’t need a distraction now. I need to stay focused and leave comfort aside for now.

“Justine.” Adele is beckoning from the sickroom.

I snap my phone shut and head in to get my next set of orders.

Chapter 27

27

The chief help I seem to be able to give is to run errands. Adele sends me to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, to the jewelry store, where she’s left her watch to be repaired. She thinks of these tasks individually, so that I am out of the house more than I am in it. As if by summoning me, she surprised herself and now needs to remove me. I go, happier to be driving around on fool’s errands than sitting in that house, waiting to feed my father his next bowl of soup, or sit on the surprisingly comfortable couch, waiting for my next order. This is when I miss Mack the most; the reason I wanted him with me. To give me an ally. A reason to leave the house, a reminder that I am important in the life of at least one creature.

So far, Adele has done the more intimate nursing tasks. My “help” is mostly kept outside the bedroom door. I think that she’s a little afraid to leave me alone with my father. Afraid of what I might say, or of what he might admit. So I run to Stop & Shop and to CVS and linger a little while at the North Dartmouth Mall before claiming her watch from Zales Jewelers. I use the time to check in with Candy, joining the club of women wandering the mall avenues, cell phone pressed against an ear, isolated in a crowd by the voice of a distant friend. When I hear Candy’s “Candy’s Place,” I so want to be home, home with Mack.