“There’s something you have to understand. I’m trying to face up to myself. This has to be part of it. I can’t talk as if I’m still living in a dream. I wanted something and that fourth man wouldn’t give it to me because he had an attack of conscience. I had to use this language to keep reminding myself that this was the way I wanted to see it. Maybe this is what I am, all I am, as a human being.

“With Jerry Palmer the first time I let myself believe that I needed sex and he took advantage of your absence. It wasn’t like that. I had already let you down long before Jerry Palmer appeared. I was a rotten wife and a lousy human being. I had my good moments, but nothing had turned out the way I wanted. I was jealous of you—oh, of course I was. I didn’t like being stuck at home. I didn’t like being pregnant. And I’m sure that none of this is a surprise to you.

“Jerry used to take me home from school—that’s how it started.”

“Was this before or after my leave?”

“After. I swear, honey. Then when I realized how far I was actually willing to go, I thought about where you were and what you could learn. I made myself believe that I was safe. But even then I made him wait.”

“I don’t want to hear any more, Karen.”

She touched his hand, then withdrew. “Can I ask you something? When you were with Anne, did you hold anything back? Did you show her who you were, the way you did with me?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Maybe I want you to tell me that I’m not anybody you remember.”

“Stop it. For God’s sake—no, I didn’t hold back, but yes, I remember you.”

“Was she better than me?”

“You’re smarter than that. In any case, I was the one who couldn’t satisfy you.”

“That was my fault!”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Do you want to?”

“You wanted to talk. I’ll listen. I’m going into the other room. When you’re calm, you come out.”

He sat down on the couch. The door to Steffie’s room was closed. He still didn’t understand why this had happened. Now, from the kitchen, Karen called him. He got up and went to the door. She was standing at the sink, her back to him.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes. Joe, please listen. It’s the only thing I’m asking.”

It felt like a merry-go-round again. They were saying everything a second, a third time. “I’m trying, Karen. Why did you ask me those things?”

“I don’t know. That’s the point. There are things I want to say and I can’t say them.”

“Like what?”