“But you didn’t. I had to goad you into hitting me. Anyone would have wanted to hit me. I knew the kind of man you were, that you wouldn’t unless I dared you, but in spite of that, as I went home and thought about you having seen me, I couldn’t stop imagining you hitting me. When I came up here to Manitou I could feel it inside me as I wondered how you would react to me being so close. What you would do to me. I honestly didn’t want you back. I needed a clean start and this was the place, considering your rights with Steffie. I didn’t want you back because the same things would have started all over again. I know that far, far better than you. I just wanted to be myself and do the few things I was certain I could do well, yet I had fantasies—still have them—of you punching me and knocking me down. I’ve never been really punched, I don’t even know what it feels like, but I keep thinking about it.”

“Why?”

“When I know you won’t do it? That’s very wise of you.”

It wasn’t wise. He had only asked a cop’s question. Now he was sure that he didn’t know what she was talking about. She was sitting there in the same way, waiting. It seemed as if she were studying him, but he knew better. He wanted to believe that she was remembering the things they had done, that he was still her husband, but what it came down to, he knew, was that she was waiting for herself, for some reservoir of strength inside her to fill again. She needed it to talk—she had said that she had planned this.

She looked away. “I told you once that I was trying to destroy the only family I’ve ever known. That was right. If our family had been a good job, or a lot of money, somehow I would have thrown it away. Believe me, I was trying to hurt myself. I don’t know why. I think about you hurting me because I want you to do the job for me. By the time I get to that, there are specific reasons why you should hurt me, things that I’ve done. I’ve made the reasons for you.

“I cheated on him, too. I did the things I told you about. I actually did them. Do you know what I mean?”