Farting is one of the three great joys of life. First, sex; second, oil rubbed in a scalp full of dandruff; third, a long, satisfying fart. With the onset of middle age I have reversed the order of merit; farting now tops my list of life’s pleasures.

The king of farts is the Trumpet—known to our ancestors as Uttam Paadam—its noise rendered as phadakaam. It is an act of will, it is proclamatory, it is masculine. It has much sound, little smell. The louder, the less odorous. My friend, the bald, beady-eyed photographer who has done considerable research on the subject is an exponent of the Trumpet. He is of the considered opinion that the Trumpet can only be produced by people who restrict their diet to fresh fruits and non-fibrous vegetables grown above the ground. Such food is sattvik (pure). (Poultry, fish and meat, though nourishing, are of the secondary rajas category. Spices, stale foods like pickles, preserves and chutneys; vegetables which grow underground like potatoes, radishes, carrots and garlic, or are attached to the earth like onions, cabbages, turnips and cauliflowers are definitely tamas). My photographer friend demonstrated the Trumpet by consuming a succulent watermelon on an empty stomach. An hour later he was airborne like a jet plane.

Second in the order of farts is the Shehnai—our ancestors also give it a secondary status Madhyamaa—and its sound is rendered as thain, thain. I prefer to compare it to the shehnai, a wind instrument made famous by the maestro Ustad Bismillah Khan of Varanasi. Like the Trumpet, the Shehnai is also an act of will and may be produced by a simple shift in position or gentle pressure on the paunch. It differs from the Trumpet in its softer tone and longer duration. The opening notes of a Scottish bagpipe sound very much like it—pheenh.

The third variety is the Scraper which makes a sound like the squelch of uncured leather or the rustling of old parchment. It is in fact not one but a succession of little farts—pirt, pirt, pirt, pirt. The Scraper is a by-product of eating too much of tamasik food. It is also a phenomenon of rectal muscles softened by age.

The fourth is the Tabla. It proclaims itself with a single phut like is a tap on a bongo drum. The Tabla is its own master as it escapes without the host’s consent causing him or her deep embarrassment if they happen to be in company.