Chapters (75)
‘Mama, I clean it,’ I said, dabbing at it again and holding up the cloth. ‘Look.’ I stared down at the mush on the floor. It was still there but I said, ‘All gone now,’ even so.
Her hands were covering her face and she was still sobbing loudly. I didn’t know what to do. ‘Mama, I put myself to bed. You have rest. I a big girl now,’ I said. I thought that would make her feel better. She was always so tired.
I wandered into the room we shared, took off my clothes and put on my nightie. It was too small and had a rip in it, but I didn’t care because it had pictures of bubbles on. It was my favourite thing to wear and sometimes I wore it all day as well as at night. Usually Mama didn’t notice.
I got into my little bed with Teddy and opened a book. I couldn’t read but I didn’t have many books and I knew all the stories off by heart. I could tell which one this was by the pictures – it was the one about the giant – so I started to read to Teddy. Mama didn’t always read me a story, but sometimes when she had had a good day she did. Mostly, she didn’t.
It was difficult for me to tell when Teddy was asleep because he didn’t move or talk very much, so I read all the way to the end of the book, even though I couldn’t remember all the words and I might have got some of them wrong. I didn’t think Teddy minded. He and I spent a lot of time together because I didn’t know any other children. Then I lay down and shut my eyes tight. I left the light on because that’s what I always did when I went to sleep. That way, no monsters could come in before Mama did. When Mama came to bed she would turn off the light, but that was OK, I didn’t mind because monsters definitely wouldn’t come in while she was there, even if she was asleep. She would protect me.
I squeezed my eyes so tight it started to hurt. I opened them again, but Mama still wasn’t there. I held my breath to see if I could hear if she was still crying but I couldn’t tell. I sang softly to Teddy – he liked songs. I didn’t know many songs, only the ones I’d heard on the TV, but I didn’t think Teddy minded.