“You are. Please, just wait a second.”

“I really have to go, Nick.”

“You’ve never had to go when I needed you.”

“I’m sorry.” I pulled my blazer close. “If you want my advice, you should go back to base and tell Zeke how you feel. If he’s got even a single bit of sanity left in there, he’ll say yes.” I looked up at him with a sad smile. “I know I would.”

And I saw it. First confusion, then disbelief, then dismay.

He knew.

“Paige,” he started.

“It’s late.” I swung myself over the railing, my hands trembling. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay?”

“No. Paige, wait. Wait.”

“Nick. Please.”

He closed his mouth, but his eyes were still wide. I climbed back down the building, leaving him to stand beneath the moon. It was only when I reached the bottom that the first and only tears came. I closed my eyes and breathed the night air.

I don’t know exactly how I got to I-5. Maybe I took the Underground. Maybe I walked. My father was still at work. He wasn’t expecting me. I stood in the empty apartment, gazing at the skylight. For the first time since childhood, I wished for a mother, or a sister, or even a friend—a friend outside the Seals. As it happened, I didn’t have any of those things. I had no idea what to do, what to feel. What would an amaurotic girl do in my situation? Spend a week in bed, most probably. But I wasn’t an amaurotic girl, and it wasn’t as if I’d broken up with someone. Just with a dream. A childish dream.

I thought back to my days at school, when I’d been the sole voyant among amaurotics. Suzette, one of my only friends, had broken up with her boyfriend in our final year. I tried to remember what she’d done. She hadn’t spent a week in bed, as I recalled. What had she done? Wait. I remembered. She’d sent me a text, asking me to go with her to a club. Want to dance my cares away, she’d said. I’d made an excuse, as I always did.

This would be my night. I would dance my cares away. I would forget that it had ever happened. I would get rid of this pain.

I stripped off my clothes, took a shower, then dried and straightened my hair. I put on lipstick and mascara and kohl. I dabbed a little perfume on my pulse points. I pinched my cheeks to make them pink. When I was done, I slipped on a black lace dress, then stepped into a pair of open-toe heels and left the apartment.

The guard looked at me strangely as I passed.