Deep breath. Leap of faith.

“It’s—a good start,” I say.

“I really like you, Addie,” he says. “I am so very sorry I screwed so many things up, so well.”

I close my eyes, the lamplight bright against my lids. I have been putting off this question, and putting him off, for days now, because I don’t want to hear the answer. But that’s unfair to both of us.

“You ran away,” I say. He’s just a silhouette when I open my eyes again. “You ran away from me, from your own room, that night. Do you know what I thought?” I spread my hands out. “That I was sitting there, with my shirt off, and your reaction was to get away as fast as possible. As if you had seen me and realized you couldn’t go through with it. That it turned out you were a fatphobe.”

“Oh, fuck,” he says. “Oh, Addie, no. I looked at you, and you were so beautiful, and you were smiling at me. And I panicked. I panicked. Because I’ve never been with anyone before.” He clears his throat, pauses. “I have never felt attracted to anyone before,” he says. “I spent a long time thinking there was something wrong with me, that I never wanted anyone like that.” He smiles. “And then I met you. And I thought—I wanted you to notice me, in class. If you couldn’t tell.”

“You were kind of an ass about it.”

“You weren’t blown away by my truly comprehensive historical knowledge?”

“I figured you thought I wasn’t smart enough for you.”

“Aw, shit,” he says.

“Yeah.”

“Well. Thank god for Katherine,” he says. “Accidentally matchmaking. Because I got to know you.” His voice is low. “You are funny. And smart. And fun. And so alive and so focused and ambitious and brilliant and talented. And beautiful.” He swallows.

“Go on,” I say.

“Addie,” he says. “I am trying to be very serious here.”

“Continue,” I say, gesturing grandly. He reaches for my hand, and I let him take it.

“Addie, I wanted you so much. I didn’t know what to do with that.”

My heart’s a hummingbird.

“And that night—you were just—in my arms, and we were kissing, and I couldn’t believe I was there. I looked at you and I was so overwhelmed. By how much I wanted you and how badly I could screw everything up.” I laugh at that, and he smiles. “Yes, and then I made an extremely poor choice, and I panicked, and I screwed everything up.”

A long, long silence.