“Oh.” He looked at the ground, then back to me. “I’m afraid I managed to lose it on the field somewhere. Sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s all right. I still have two or three from Coroa, the ones with the gold on them.” I turned at the sound of laughter echoing down the hallway. I watched as three sets of couples wandered from the Great Room, moving their celebration away from the crowd.

“Are you going to head back in there?” I asked. “I’d wager half the free women in that room are waiting for you.”

He shook his head, looking away. “I already told you how I feel about that.”

“It’s not so bad. The whole hour I was married was wonderful,” I said, smiling longingly.

“How can you do that?” he asked. “How can you look back on something so heartbreaking with a smile?”

“Because . . .” I shrugged. “Even with all the bad, Silas rescued me. I’ll never regret that.”

“But rescued you for what? You’re stuck in a foreign country with a pieced-together family”—he lowered his voice—“who may be in the middle of losing their lives over a battle that might be impossible to win.”

“It’s not what he saved me for . . . it’s what he saved me from.”

He watched as a dozen emotions danced across my face, reminding me of just how perilous it had all been.

“Etan, I was so close to being queen. Jameson was teaching me protocol at every turn, and people came to petition me for favors, and I was going to be the mother of the next heir of Coroa. He was going to make me into Valentina,” I said, pointing at the castle, eyes stinging as I thought of that possibility being my life. “I don’t know how long it would have taken, but I would have become a shell,” I sobbed. “I didn’t even know I wasn’t in love with Jameson until Silas showed up and took me exactly as I was.”

“A terrible dresser with no tact who cries too much?”

I laughed through my tears. “Yes!” I patted at my eyes and nose. “I never had to pretend I was anything but myself with him. With Jameson I felt like every second of my life had to be still and perfect, like someone was painting our portrait. With Silas, things were messy . . . but they were good. I really miss him.”

“I do, too. Sullivan and Saul, too. My sisters. The friends I lost at the front. I miss them every day. You can miss people and keep living. Sometimes, you have to.”

I nodded, reaching up for just a second to touch the rings hanging around my neck. “I told him I would. It feels strange sometimes, though, to do anything without him. I hope he’d still be proud of me. And I hope we win, because I don’t know what will happen to me if we don’t.”