“Sorry doesn’t really feel appropriate enough to convey how much I am,” she said softly.

I didn’t deserve a sorry, not when this was all my fault. “I should’ve woken her up. Not written a note. I never should have walked out without manning up and telling her how I felt face to face.” That had weighed heavily on my mind more than once since I’d boarded the plane to leave Aruba. Now, learning Juliette had wanted me back then, and I had a son, had multiplied that guilt and self-loathing a million times over.

“Constantine.” I heard her love, and that apology again embedded in the way she stretched out my name.

But I didn’t deserve either, and I for damn sure didn’t deserve Juliette or Colin. But I wanted them both. I wanted them more than I could put into words, and it had nothing to do with obligation.

“I could’ve tracked her down. I wanted to find her.” I faced the demon of pride all over again. Such an ugly fucking monster.

“So why didn’t you?”

I sat back up, unraveling—another foreign-to-me feeling. “I was young and stupid; didn’t think I was good enough for her. I didn’t want to be rejected a second time. I couldn’t handle knowing her name, hearing her voice, or seeing her face again, only for her to not want me. I knew I’d never be able to get over her twice.” I couldn’t believe I told her that. What is happening to me? I dropped my face against my palm, my shoulders hunching forward. “And now that second time might come anyway.”

“All I know is you’ve opened up to me more today than you have in your whole life, and all I’ve ever wanted for you is to be happy. To have a family. Love. And it looks like love found you in the form of a sixteen-year-old teenager. As for Juliette . . . give yourself grace and time when it comes to her, too.”

I dropped my head back onto the pillow, eyes shooting to the ceiling. “Since when are you the wise one?”

“You never gave me a chance to be. You weren’t one to take advice, only to give it.”

Fair point.

“And now I’m going to ask you to do something. It won’t be easy, but I want you to try.”

I rested my free hand on my chest, my heartbeat still flying.

“I want you to do your best not to get hung up on the past. You can’t change it,” she began steadily, “but you can focus on the time you still have left with those right in front of you.”

19. Constantine

Chapter 19

Constantine