I still don’t have an answer.

GRETA CHRISTINA

on “Are We Having Sex Now or What?” first published in 1992

My aunt is a philosophy professor, retired now. One semester she asked her students to bring in examples of philosophical writing related to everyday life, from non-philosophy-book sources…and one of her students brought in “Are We Having Sex…?” from Ms. magazine, not knowing that I was her niece.

She was tickled pink that one of her students had been struck by the piece and had shown it to her without knowing about our relationship. If she was freaked out, she didn’t say anything.

But the funny thing was: the copy of the piece that she got was the Ms. magazine version—where Ms.’s editors had edited out all the sex I wrote they didn’t approve of, without my permission or knowledge.

I was furious about their rewrite, of course—but I have to admit, I was relieved that my aunt got the bowdlerized version, without the references to SM and stripping.

I’m glad to publish this here in its original version. It was “edited” in its first anthology version, too. One example is the place where I write: “Penile-vaginal intercourse. You know, screwing.”

That was originally: “You know, fucking.” But my book editor said he wanted the book to be accessible and mainstream-ish—and thus wanted to tone down the more extreme language. In some cases I don’t object to word changes—but that one I wish I’d fought for.

Similarly, in the kinky scene that I described at the end of my story as one of my “I still don’t have an answer” examples, the anthology editor got me to “tone down” just how kinky the scene was. Since I now have the opportunity, I’d like to tone it back up again!

I was such a baby when I wrote “AWHSNW,” and I’ve changed in so many ways, both as a writer and as a sexual person.

I’ve learned which fights with editors are worth having, and which ones aren’t. Sort of like the serenity prayer—having the serenity to accept what I can’t change (e.g., serial commas)—the strength to change what I can (actual meanings of what I’m saying), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Writing “AWHSNW” clarified the way I think about sex, and thus how I act about it. I’m less anxious than when I was younger about “does this count as sex, what we’re doing right now?”

I’m more concerned about whether we’re having a good time doing whatever it is we’re doing. And, of course, the “what counts?” question has made nonmonogamy negotiations a whole different ball game—in my opinion, a much better one.

Three Obscene
Telephone Calls

Marian Phillips

The phone rang the other day. I picked it up and said “Hello” in my cool, distant, telephone voice.