“I can’t do it at my house. You’re supposed to warm it up in the sink by pouring hot water over it. My roommates will find out.”

“Why don’t you warm it up with a glass of wine, then?” she snipes.

Poor girl. She used to go out with a travel writer who sent her postcards from exotic places like China, Morocco, and Brazil. Now she’s dating a pervert who only goes places he can get to on his Huffy. I open the bottom of the Fleshlight to discover a hard plastic tube that runs down the center. I pull on it and it sort of sticks to the pink, sticky “flesh.”

“What is that?” she mutters. “Vulva-on-a-stick?”

I look at the brochure. “The stick maintains the ‘vulva’s’ shape.”

She runs her fingers through her hair and squints at the ceiling. “How symbolic.” The brochure also warns not to share one’s Fleshlight with anyone. No problem. I’m not even sure I want to share it with myself.

Girlfriend leaves the kitchen and climbs into her loft bed. Her cute little ass cupped inside a pair of velour bikini panties causes my all-natural-flesh battery to erect an electric arc of love. Then I look at Fleshlight cupped in my hands. One look at its vanilla, gooey-pink, coin-slot eye and I’m soft again. I crawl into girlfriend’s loft bed and spoon around her warm, velour hips that house her real pussy. She clenches my hands between her breasts. Ah. Better.

“What about your date?” she asks.

“I left her with the toaster.”

Next morning, while Girlfriend’s in the shower, I’m nursing a coffee at the kitchen table. The sun’s first rays cast a pleasing light across most of the room, and Fleshlight, which stands tall and majestic on the table, casts a shadow like a sundial. Maybe I will do it tonight.

After work I feel indecisive. Instead of racing home to fuck the gooey-pink eye, I find myself at one of those bars with a million different beers. It’s midway between my house and Girlfriend’s. Three connoisseurs to my left are talking fruity bouquets. I flirt with the idea of admitting defeat. Somehow my groin is not amused by Fleshlight. Could be the vanilla, could be the slime, could be the coin-slot eye.