Back The Battle of the Books Save as PDF
Contents ( 59)
  1. THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
  2. * * *
  3. JONATHAN SWIFT
  4. *
  5. Contents
  6. *
  7. Introduction
  8. *
  9. The Bookseller to the Reader
  10. *
  11. The Preface of the Author
  12. *
  13. The Battle of the Books
  14. *
  15. The Episode of Bentley and Wotton
  16. *
  17. A Meditation Upon a Broomstick
  18. *
  19. Predictions for the Year 1708
  20. *
  21. The Accomplishment of the First of Mr. Bickerstaff's Predictions
  22. *
  23. Baucis and Philemon
  24. *
  25. The Logicians Refuted
  26. *
  27. The Puppet Show
  28. *
  29. Cadenus and Vanessa
  30. *
  31. Stella's Birthday, 1718
  32. *
  33. Stella's Birthday, 1720
  34. *
  35. Stella's Birthday
  36. *
  37. Stella's Birthday, 1724
  38. *
  39. Stella's Birthday, March 13, 1726
  40. *
  41. To Stella
  42. *
  43. The First He Wrote Oct 17, 1727
  44. *
  45. The Second Prayer was Written Nov 6, 1727
  46. *
  47. The Beasts' Confession
  48. *
  49. An Argument Against Abolishing Christianity
  50. *
  51. Hints Towards an Essay on Conversation
  52. *
  53. Thoughts on Various Subjects
  54. *
  55. A Modest Proposal
  56. *
  57. * * *
  58. Endnotes
  59. *

Things were at this crisis when a material accident fell out. For upon the highest corner of a large window, there dwelt a certain spider, swollen up to the first magnitude by the destruction of infinite numbers of flies, whose spoils lay scattered before the gates of his palace, like human bones before the cave of some giant. The avenues to his castle were guarded with turnpikes and palisadoes, all after the modern way of fortification. After you had passed several courts you came to the centre, wherein you might behold the constable himself in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting to each avenue, and ports to sally out upon all occasions of prey or defence. In this mansion he had for some time dwelt in peace and plenty, without danger to his person by swallows from above, or to his palace by brooms from below; when it was the pleasure of fortune to conduct thither a wandering bee, to whose curiosity a broken pane in the glass had discovered itself, and in he went, where, expatiating a while, he at last happened to alight upon one of the outward walls of the spider's citadel; which, yielding to the unequal weight, sunk down to the very foundation. Thrice he endeavoured to force his passage, and thrice the centre shook. The spider within, feeling the terrible convulsion, supposed at first that nature was approaching to her final dissolution, or else that Beelzebub, with all his legions, was come to revenge the death of many thousands of his subjects whom his enemy had slain and devoured. However, he at length valiantly resolved to issue forth and meet his fate. Meanwhile the bee had acquitted himself of his toils, and, posted securely at some distance, was employed in cleansing his wings, and disengaging them from the ragged remnants of the cobweb. By this time the spider was adventured out, when, beholding the chasms, the ruins, and dilapidations of his fortress, he was very near at his wit's end; he stormed and swore like a madman, and swelled till he was ready to burst. At length, casting his eye upon the bee, and wisely gathering causes from events (for they know each other by sight), "A plague split you," said he; "is it you, with a vengeance, that have made this litter here; could not you look before you, and be d—d? Do you think I have nothing else to do (in the devil's name) but to mend and repair after you?" "Good words, friend," said the bee, having now pruned himself, and being disposed to droll; "I'll give you my hand and word to come near your kennel no more; I was never in such a confounded pickle since I was born." "Sirrah," replied the spider, "if it were not for breaking an old custom in our family, never to stir abroad against an enemy, I should come and teach you better manners." "I pray have patience," said the bee, "or you'll spend your substance, and, for aught I see, you may stand in need of it all, towards the repair of your house." "Rogue, rogue," replied the spider, "yet methinks you should have more respect to a person whom all the world allows to be so much your betters." "By my troth," said the bee, "the comparison will amount to a very good jest, and you will do me a favour to let me know the reasons that all the world is pleased to use in so hopeful a dispute." At this the spider, having swelled himself into the size and posture of a disputant, began his argument in the true spirit of controversy, with resolution to be heartily scurrilous and angry, to urge on his own reasons without the least regard to the answers or objections of his opposite, and fully predetermined in his mind against all conviction.