Bear ignores them all, even as his face turns red. It doesn’t take a genius to see his mind is racing at a billion miles an hour and going off in directions that a normal person with normal brain function couldn’t even possibly imagine. Let’s see how well I know Bear, shall we? There are a lot of weirdoes out there, he’s probably thinking. What if they’re driving and they cross into California and for no reason other than for it to happen, the car breaks down? And of course it’ll be in the middle of the night because that’s when these things always happen. Their cell phones won’t work because for some reason, the satellites are hidden behind mountains or clouds or whatever and they’ll be stuck out in the middle of nowhere next to an abandoned meat-packing plant that’s the only building for forty miles. Tyson won’t be able to resist going over to it because he’s sure it’s still in production and will want to find some way to blow it up, because he’s no longer an ecoterrorist-in-training. No, he’s gone on to full-blown terrorism now, all because of vegetarianism, but he’ll find the meat-packing plant is not in production, and it hasn’t been for years, and is now instead the home to a cabal of sadistic psychopaths whose only mission in life is to cause as much human terror and destruction as possible. Tyson and Corey will attempt to flee the chainsaw-wielding crazies who just finished having sex with their mothers on top of a blanket made from the skins of their victims, but they’ll be trapped inside the meat-packing plant because it’s been turned into a carnival of terror where once you go in, you can never get out. These things happen in California all the time. I know this because I watch the news now, and I read articles, and every day there are mass chainsaw murders in California, and I don’t know why no one has done a single thing about this epidemic of fear, but you can sure as shit bet that Tyson won’t be allowed to go there, no sir! I’d rather him be pissed off at me for the rest of his life for thinking I’m interfering with him even though he’s now twenty years old rather than have him become the sex blood slave to a crazy named Harvey who keeps him locked in a cage made out of femurs and attaches a collar around his neck made of dried out tongues and tied together with eyelashes still glistening wetly with tears. Of course I’m going to interfere if it means saving him from such a fate! There is no way in hell I’m going to let him be a fuck buffet for a bunch of inbred Californian psychopathic chainsaw cannibals! I know what happens in California! I’ve seen the news!

Not bad, huh? Yeah, try living with him continuously and see if it’s still amusing.

“You bet your ass you’re not going to California!” he finally explodes. “I’m not going to let you get raped by psycho cannibals!” Bingo. “And I swear to God, you better not think you’re ready for this jelly, because I will make sure your milkshake brings no one to the yard.”