His words sink in, leaving me relieved but also enraged. He never cheated on me. He made it up. That lie touched every relationship I’ve had since him. I thought every guy I dated had a hidden agenda, that I wasn’t enough for anyone. Why wouldn’t someone cheat on me? I tortured myself for years imagining Ryan with another girl while I pined for him. And it was all for nothing.

“When I moved back to North Carolina after graduation, I used to talk about you a lot to my dad. I’d tell him how smart and funny you were and how much I missed you. He would make fun of me and tell me how bad I had it, but after a while, the more I would talk about you, the less he’d say.”

I startle a little at his words. Parents usually love me. I’m shy and sweet and rarely a cause for concern. I run every interaction I had with Ryan’s dad through my mind, but can’t find any red flags.

“I could sense there was something going on with him, but I didn’t know what it was. He started telling me that I shouldn’t end up with the first girl I fell for. He said we were too young and it wasn’t fair to you since you still had two years left of school.”

I nod, not sure where he’s going with this.

“I brushed it off in the beginning. I thought he was wrong and that we’d be okay. He kept going at me, though, saying it every time I brought you up. And then when things got rough between you and me, I started to think that maybe he was right. That I wasn’t being fair and I was ruining things for you.”

“But you weren’t—”

“Yes, I was. You know I was.”

I want to argue but my case is weak. I remember how central I made him to everything. If it was a day when he called, I was walking on air. If it was a day when he didn’t, I was a mess. Good day or bad day, it was set by him. Not me.

Maybe that’s the cost of finding love young. Everything is new and overwhelming and chasing that sensation down is priority one. I think back to the girl I was then and I feel bad for her. I still have plenty of flaws, but I know who I am. I like who I am. I’m fulfilled by my job and my family and friends, and if love found me now, it would add to my life, not consume it.