“I was really torn up about the fact that our friendship didn’t survive. She didn’t really want to talk to me any more after that, and honestly, I can’t blame her. She was one of my closest friends for a long time and then everything just got so messy and now we’re not even friends on Facebook. And I was torn up about how much the whole thing would have hurt my family if they’d ever found out.”

“You didn’t tell them?”

“No. I was too ashamed and raw over it. I just avoided the subject. Though I’m pretty sure they knew something was up. I’m a terrible liar.”

“That must have been really hard.”

“It was humiliating. And I was so angry at myself. The day my lawyer notified me that the marriage had been officially annulled I was sitting in my crappy little apartment I could barely afford and I looked around and all I could see were the dishes in the sink and the crumpled-up clothes on the floor. I just thought, Eliot, it’s now or literally never. You know? Things had to change immediately or else I knew I was going to be having that same rock-bottom feeling again in a couple months or a couple years and I never wanted to feel like that again.”

“So, you started organizing your life?”

“Yeah. I got a therapist and she kind of saved my life. She helped me figure out how to make my life work. Everything in its right place. So, now, here I am. Eliot 2.0.”

“I like Eliot 2.0. A lot.”

“Thanks. I do, too.”

“But, to be honest, I probably would have been way more into Eliot 1.0.”

“Hahaha. What?! How could you say that? You’re ice-cold, JD.”

“No! No offense intended at all.”

“How could that not be offensive?”

“I wasn’t trying to insult the person you are right now, I was trying to explain a fault of my own.”

“Which is . . .”

“I’m pathologically attracted to men who don’t have their shit together at all.”

“Ah.”

“Like, if ‘accidentally got married in Vegas’ was on some dude’s dating profile, I’d be like, ooh, I’m intrigued.”

“Oh, no. JD. Standards. You gotta have ’em.”

“I’m learning that the hard way unfortunately.”

“By dating a bunch of losers?”

“I hate to admit that I have to assign you ten points for accuracy.”

“You use dating websites?”

“No, I don’t actually. I don’t have anything against them, but I prefer to meet dudes the old-fashioned way.”

“Bars?”

“Monster truck rallies.”

“Hahahahaa. Wait, for real?”

“I guess you’ll never know.”

“Gosh, I hope it’s true. That’s way cooler than how I meet women.”

“Bars?”

“Yeah and online.”

“Which works better?”

“Well, I’m not married or in a relationship so I’d say they are both equally shitty.”