During college she had started to think maybe other women would be more understanding... more of them were having to deal with the reality of drinking, men, and sexual assault. Women were a lot less protected at college than at home. Parties were more expected, drinking was expected, but since Ellie had stayed away from that scene entirely, she didn’t personally know - or at least they hadn’t told her - anyone who had been through a similar experience. Hearing everyone else’s recitation of their own experiences last night had finally given her the courage to say something.

No, none of them had been through anything quite as bad as her experience, and she was glad for that. She wouldn’t have wanted them to. But the fact they all could relate, in some way... it had been both heart-breaking and helped give her the courage to share.

“They were amazing,” Ellie said softly, smoothing the leather of the couch’s armrest with her fingers. It was soft to touch, almost soothing to just run her fingers over it.

“So, you’re afraid Michael won’t be as amazing.”

Ellie let her head fall back against the couch. It sounded so bad when Dr. Amy said it.

“Why would Michael be different?” Dr. Amy asked, after a long moment of silence from Ellie.

“Well, he’s a guy,” Ellie said, a bit sardonically. Not that men couldn’t understand but... it wasn’t hard to miss general male reactions to things like sexual assault and rape. They tended to try and straddle the line - no, of course a woman shouldn’t be raped, but if she was going to be walking home alone, or drunk at a party, or wearing skimpy clothing after dark, then she should have also been more careful. Because, of course, it was still partially her own fault for assuming she should be able to be safe.

She still remembered her own mother’s reaction - “Well what did you expect?”

It was a popular refrain in college when an assault came to light, especially if the woman in question had been at a frat party or out after dark. The idea she expected to have a good time and wake up with a hangover, just like everyone else, was apparently just too hard for some people to grasp. It made her so angry. Which, at least was a step up from ashamed and wracked with guilt and self-recrimination.

“Do you think he’s the kind of guy who would blame you?”

Ellie stared at her fingers as she rubbed the leather couch’s armrest harder. The leather was getting warm.

Under normal circumstances, no, she didn’t think Michael would blame her. But under her circumstances?

She’d made some really stupid decisions.