And that was all?

That was all. Yes.

I’m not sure what it is that you’re telling me.

I know.

You said that it was sensual.

Yes.

Was it sexual?

Yes. Very.

So what was the realization?

The realization was that I was hopelessly in love and had been for some time. That my life had been resolved. While I wasnt looking, so to speak. Not that uncommon.

And that was that.

And that was that.

You were twelve.

Yes.

But you wont tell me who it was.

No.

How did you know that it was love? You’ll excuse the skepticism.

How can you not? I was only at peace in his company. If peace is the word. I knew that I would love him forever. In spite of the laws of Heaven. And that I would never love anyone else.

And this has turned out to be the case.

Yes. It has.

But he didnt love you.

He loved me very much.

Well. I dont understand.

I know.

It must have been the age difference. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I never saw that as a problem. I thought we could wait a year if it would make him more comfortable. Or two years even.

But still not enough to keep him out of jail.

The following summer we saw a great deal of each other. And the next summer.

You were thirteen.

By then I was fourteen. I thought that if I offered myself to him body and soul that he would take me without reservation. And he didnt.

No.

So where do you go with that? What would you wish for yourself?

I dont suppose there could be anything like a second choice.

Not unless you’re suggesting death.

I’m not.

I know you’re reluctant to acknowledge that this particular case might be hard to dismiss as a schoolgirl crush. I’ve always asked for special privileges and exemptions. Some things I didnt get just because I couldnt find anyone to explain them to. But a deprivation that demands you choose to dismiss either your past or your future is more than difficult. So I’m asking where would you begin again? As you suggest. Or how. Or more to the point, why?

You’re not given pause by the fact that the overwhelming majority of people find a way to deal with their disappointments?

No.

That would be an exemption that you would claim.

Yes.

This conversation is beginning to take a fairly odd turn.

I know. A disappointed longing has a legacy of which its fulfillment can only dream.

The laws of Heaven. Would you want to elaborate on that?

No.

All right. Can we talk about your father? Again.

If you like.

But with no great enthusiasm.

It’s all right. Go ahead.

You said that you didnt hold your father accountable.

I dont. For what it’s worth. History will swallow them all up, along with their accountability. But the bomb is forever.

Where is Trinity? Is that in Nevada?