“There’s a way,” she said. “But if the Order ever finds out, people are going to be executed. You and I included. I’m willing to take that risk, but you have to be sure about this, El.”

Her grip was uncomfortably tight.

“You could stop it?” My voice came out faint.

She nodded. “If I asked the right people, they would find me a remedy.”

“A … remedy?”

“Yes. It’s vicious, but it’s also very quick and leaves no trace after a day or two. Scarcely any different from a late period.” Millie released my hands. “It’s been around for centuries, but the women who provide the herbs are very, very quiet about the practice. If the Sisterhood were to uncover the truth, the repercussions would be crushing.”

I felt dizzy. “Because the Order would have to make an example.”

“Yes. So you must understand that me telling you this, trusting you with this … No one else can ever know.”

“It’s too much of a risk for you.”

“I said I was willing. I can get the remedy, and I can hide you here for a few days. But if you want this, we need to do it now.” She touched my face.

“Millie…”

“It’s no one’s choice but yours,” she said softly. “What do you want, El?”

I told her. And once she had left, promising to return before nightfall, I sat alone on her couch and cried.

CHAPTER

TWENTY-FOUR

It tasted sweeter than I had expected. The paste had a grainy consistency, like poorly milled flour mixed with thick oil. I suspected it was derived from a kind of tuber or nut, grown perhaps in a remote region of Aytrium. I imagined stooped old women harvesting roots from hidden gardens and parcelling them out to scared customers who came knocking in the dead of night. Maybe that was sentimental of me; maybe the stuff was cooked up by some flint-eyed merchant—a trader who spied an opportunity to fleece the desperate with a furtive solution.

I swallowed it.

“You okay?” Millie asked.

Was I okay? Maybe. I felt guilty, to be sure, and afraid. I was worried that we would get caught, and terrified about what that would mean for Millie. A lifetime of the Sisterhood’s teachings rang in my ears, litanies about sacred duties and purpose, about the gift of motherhood.

But I also felt, for the first time in a very long time, that I was in control. And that felt like it was worth a lot.

“I think so,” I said.

I began to notice the effects after an hour. I grew shivery and restless; I paced around the kitchen, one moment cold and the next too warm. When I caught sight of my reflection in the window pane, my eyes were bloodshot. The whites had turned entirely red, and brilliant bursts of colour dyed my eyelids whenever I blinked. I drank glass after glass of water, but remained thirsty.

Then the pain set in.