'So, no one of any consequence?'

'Not really. Why?'

'Ah, no reason. Just a little pet theory of mine. Anyway, everything has already happened – if it hadn't, there'd be no need for people like me. But things go wrong. In the normal course of events, time flies back and forth from the end of then until the beginning of now like a shuttle on a loom, weaving the threads of history together. If it encounters an obstacle then it might just flex slightly and no change will be noticed. But if that obstacle is big enough – and Kaine is plenty big enough, believe me – then history will veer off at a tangent. And that's when we have to sort it out. I've been transferred to the Armageddon Avoidance Division, and we've got an apocalyptic disaster of life-extinguishing capability, Level III, heading your way.'

There was a moment's silence.

'Does your mother know you wear your hair this short?'

'Is it meant to happen?'

'Your hair?'

'No, the Armageddon.'

'Not at all. This one has an Ultimate Likelihood Index rating of only twenty-two per cent: "not very likely".'

'Nothing like that incident with the Dream Topping, then,' I observed.

'What incident?'

'Nothing.'

'Right. Well, since I'm on probation – sort of – they thought they'd start me on the small stuff.'

'I still don't understand.'

'It's simple,' began my father. 'Two days after the Superhoop President Formby will die of natural causes. The following day Yorrick Kaine proclaims himself dictator of England. Two weeks after that, following the traditional suspension of the press and summary executions of former associates, Kaine will declare war on Wales. Two days after a prolonged tank battle on the Welsh Marches, the United Clans of Scotland launch an attack upon Berwick-upon-Tweed. In a fit of pique Kaine carpet-bombs Glasgow and the Swedish empire enter on Scotland's side. Russia joins Kaine after their colonial outpost of Fetlar is sacked – and the 'war moves to mainland Europe. It soon escalates into an apocalyptic shoot-out between the African and American superpowers. In less than three months the earth will be nothing but a steaming radioactive cinder. Of course,' he added, 'that is a worst-case scenano. It'll probably never happen, and if you and I do our jobs properly, it won't.'

'Can't you just kill Kaine?'

'Not that easy. Time is the glue of the cosmos, Sweetpea, and it has to be eased apart – you'd be surprised how strongly the historical timeline tends to look after despots. Why do you think dictators like Pol Pot, Bokassa and Idi Amin live such long lives and people like Mozart, Jim Henson and Mother Teresa are plucked from us when relatively young?'

'I don't think Mother Teresa could be thought of as young.'

'On the contrary – she was meant to live to a hundred and twenty-eight.'

There was a pause.