Another car drives past. It doesn’t stop. Then a man appears from behind a tree opposite me. He is wearing a mask. It should be terrifying, but the mask only covers half of his face and it is a kid’s mask, some kind of animal. Maybe a fox? Yes, a fox. If I wasn’t so horny I’d think he was stupid. But I read that a lot of people wear masks. It’s an anonymity thing, and I think that is fair enough. I try not to pay it too much attention.

The man stands in the clearing and holds his hand out, as if asking me to join him. I shake my head. I’m not here for that. I see there are other people behind the trees. He puts his hand out again. This time I wonder if I should. I was led here by my sexual desire, I am craving something new. I deserve to have my libido acknowledged and appreciated. It weirdly feels like a safer space than my own bedroom. I don’t want the complexities of emotion; I want the satisfaction of sex. I come out from behind the tree and walk over to the man.

He takes my hand and leads me to a tree stump. There are definitely people watching us. He smiles at me. I wish I could see his eyes. He is tall, slim. He could be very handsome, I wish I could see. But then he could be very ugly. So maybe it is best that I can’t.

I now can’t imagine him any other way than ugly.

He begins to undo his jeans. Another rustle behind a tree. Tommy appears in my mind. My baby. Michael too. Still my husband. Reality strikes.

‘I can’t, I’m sorry,’ I say. The man is getting closer to me with his hard penis in his hand. He stays still, and puts up no resistance, but he continues to masturbate himself, as if that will change my mind.

‘I’m sorry,’ I repeat, shaking my head. ‘This isn’t who I am.’ I walk away slowly, wondering if he will jump on me and make me go through with it. But he doesn’t. I pick up the pace and I run as fast as I can towards Lauren’s house. It’s the only destination I know, but obviously I can’t just pop in so I go into a local pub and order myself a drink.

‘Gin and tonic, please.’ Just the one is OK, I’m craving it. Tommy’s next feed will be a bottle anyway. And I need a moment. I have things I need to think about. These feelings are not right. Do I have post-natal depression? Is that why I suddenly hate my husband and want to have sex with strangers?