“Please don’t go. This is why I didn’t bring it up before. I didn’t want you to say it and be hurt if I didn’t say it back. What we have is great and it’s just a bullshit word.” He runs a hand through his hair, making the dark strands stand up, then the other hand joins it. I love his hair. It’s always such a beautiful mess. Even now when he’s breaking my heart.

“Love is a bullshit word?” I shake my head in disbelief. “This is why I told Adam and not you. I thought it might be too soon and I didn’t want to pressure you or make things weird. I had no intention of telling you that I love you.” I swallow. I can’t describe how much I hate that the first time I utter those three words to him, it’s like this. I feel completely shattered that I’ve been his unknowing pity case while he’s been secretly trying to figure out how to let me down easy.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. It isn’t that you…” He pauses. “Wait, you weren’t? But you said that you wanted to talk. I just assumed that’s what it was about. I’ve been worrying about it all week.”

“Oh my god.” I glance to the ceiling and try to calm the anger rising. When I look back to him, I can no longer keep my eyes from welling. Hot, angry tears.

“Fuck, that came out wrong,” he says.

“I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend, you big jerk.”

His brows draw together. “Oh.”

“But it’s really nice to know you’ve been stressing about me using the L-word, heaven forbid. What an awful thing for you to cope with.”

Anger. Yes, I need more anger to keep from feeling the sadness.

He gets to his feet. His jeans are on but unbuttoned and they slide down on his hips as he starts toward me. “Fuck, Ginny. I thought I already was your boyfriend.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve never talked about it. Hence, the talk.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what? Not loving me or thinking the whole concept of it is ludicrous?” My voice cracks.

He groans and he runs those big hands through his hair again while he struggles to find the right words. But it’s too late. What could he possibly say now? Any illusion I had that he might feel the same way, today or someday in the future, is now gone. Dating a guy who isn’t ready for a serious commitment is one thing, but once you tell them you love them (even by accident), there’s no going back and pretending it’s just a casual fling.

“This isn’t going to work.”