I didn’t even want to go out with her in the first place, not that this is a date, what we’re doing right now. Not an official one, anyway, the kind you’d call a romance if you were talking about it with friends. It’s not that. She talked me into having a meal because I was hungry and said OK and that’s how I find myself here, but it’s not a date. I want to be clear about that. This is not the kind of woman I want to be out with, spending my time on, and things like that. I’m not attracted to her, don’t even want to be seen with her, really, but she lives two floors down from me and I figured food is food and so I said, “Fine, let’s eat,” and now I’m living to regret it. She’s like some fucking infomercial that you wake up to at four in the morning because you fell asleep watching All in the Family; the thing is just going on and on and you know you can’t really place small ads in hundreds of newspapers and make any money but you keep listening anyway. I find her very much like that. Hell, I’d even pay the five easy payments of $19.95 if this beast would quit sucking down Diet Coke and pay the check and drive me the fuck back to my apartment. We’ve been done eating for maybe forty-five minutes—did a piece of cheescake, even—and she’s showing no signs of letting up. It really is unbelievable. She is definitely on a tear. I mean, Milwaukee! What the fuck else can you say about that place? I bet if Jeffrey Dahmer had known about this chick, he would’ve eased off on the little boys for a second and done the world a favor, throttled this twat, and diced her up into little bite-size chunks. Now, I know that’s not very nice, not a Christian-type thing to say, and I wasn’t raised like that but that’s how I’m starting to feel here, trapped in our little booth and nodding my head and hoping to God somebody robs the place and she gets caught in the police crossfire. I know I shouldn’t let my thoughts spill over into such mean-spirited shit as that, but believe me, if you were sitting where I am, you’d be reaching for the chainsaw right now. I promise you would.