Dinner passed by slowly. Now that he had convened the Martins, Chip had nothing to say to them. It was a puzzling exercise of silences punctuated by the sizzle of fajitas and the endless consumption of pricey smoothies. Marlene tried to keep filling the air, but after a while no one was even pretending to listen to the canoe stories.

Just as they finished up, Spencer’s phone rang.

“I have to take this,” he said, springing out of his chair. He returned a minute later. Scarlett could tell from the tightness of his jaw and the way he fixed his eyes on the table and didn’t play around anymore—the call had been about the audition, and the news had not been good.

“Anyone want dessert?” Chip asked cheerfully.

The Price Of Failure

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ACT II

A SPIES OF NEW YORK EXCLUSIVE!

WHAT IS THIS WE ARE HEARING…from the set of Crime and Punishment, the police procedural/courtroom drama that has been an integral part of our lives since we were just tiny spies? Is there trouble in our favorite fictional police precinct?

RUMOR IS…Donald Purchase, who plays our beloved Detective Sonny Lavinski, is unhappy with the current story line and is restless for a change. A well-placed source tells us that Donald wants out.

“Donald is a great actor,” our source told us in confidence. “But he’s been playing Sonny Lavinski for fifteen seasons now. He’s had offers from Hollywood for years. This time, he’s ready to take them.”

The idea of Sonny Lavinski leaving Crime and Punishment is enough to make us drop our morning brandy. We have grown up with his dry witticisms and his sense of justice. His gravelly voice has nursed us through many a hangover. We have seen him fight terrorists, save children (and a seal) from an explosion at the Bronx Zoo, and singlehandedly prevent the poisoning of the Central Park reservoir. We were there when his wife died, and when he found new love in the form of Denise “Wow, she’s way too young and way too hot for him but because he’s Sonny Lavinski we will accept it” Shapiro. And though we have never seen his daughter, Daisy, born in the first episode, her mysterious school projects and much-discussed talents have never failed to amuse us.

Is Sonny really leaving us? Because we will have to book extra sessions with our therapists now.

“Completely untrue,” Donald’s rep told us. “I don’t know where you’re getting this information, but Donald isn’t going anywhere. He just signed on for three more seasons. Donald loves New York, and he loves Crime and Punishment.”

We are reassured, somewhat. But we will never truly be content until we are sure Sonny is staying. We suggest locking him in a cage located on some prominent city landmark where we can go and visit him every day.