‘That’s what I’m doing just now. Spa weekend in the Lakes. I just buried my sister – no, don’t say you’re sorry. You’re not and I’m not, and that’s fine. Organizing a funeral is a lot of work, so I’m going somewhere nice and far away to pay someone young and foreign to cover me in deep sea mud or whatever they call it and bring me a glass of champagne. Have you ever done anything like that? No? Well, you’re missing out. There’s a whole world out there designed to take your money and spoil you in return. It’s not going to fix any of this, duck, but it will help you begin to get past it. If you ask a silly old lady.’

They drifted into silence until the announcement – ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be approaching Oxenholme. The woman looked up as Ida began to gather her things. Huge, lost eyes. Ida pulled her coat on and bent down.

‘Not here – this one’s mine – but why don’t you get off at the next stop. Penrith or Carlisle or something. Go to the taxi rank, ask the driver to take you to the most expensive hotel in the area.’

The woman shrugged a bit.

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ Ida said. She grabbed her purse and took out five twenties, pushed them across the table. ‘You’ll need more, but that’s a good start.’

‘I can’t –’

‘Well, I’m not taking it back, so it’s either you or a big fat tip for that rude little ticket inspector. Go on.’

‘Why are you –?’

‘Because of the silence, duck. Because I know the silence.’

The woman blinked.

‘Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t think you’re a silly old lady, by the way.’

‘Good,’ said Ida. She pulled up the little handle of her smart new suitcase and stepped off the train. She thought of that woman running herself a big, deep bath, of the feeling of muscles unclenching in hot water. Perhaps this was the person she was going to be now, after May, after Reg, for the next twenty years or however long it pleased God to give her. It didn’t feel half bad.

Scotland on Sunday, September 2013

Telling It Like It Is

Your week in politics with Brian McConn

Another day, another bona fide Scottish sleb zooms up the M24 and crashes into the independence debate.

This week’s dose of low-wattage star power comes courtesy of Clio Campbell, who you might remember from her 1990s one-hit wonder … no?