“Like shit.”

“That tracks.” She nods and cocks her leg so that her four-inch spike of a heel is pointed right at me. It feels vaguely threatening.

“You didn’t come in here to check on me, Milana.”

She purses her lips. “You told me you wanted to follow this lead. I did what you wanted.” From the look on her face, I’m guessing she got much more than she bargained for.

“I’m in a lot of pain right now, and I don’t have time to be coy about this. Just tell me, for Christ’s sake.”

“Some things are better left in the dark, Kolya,” she says softly.

“Milana.”

She sighs and plays with her bracelets. She’s been doing a lot of that lately, which is new for her—fidgeting, ducking the truth. I don’t like it.

But I think I’ll like what she’s about to tell me a hell of a lot less.

“I think I know who Sapphire is,” she says at last. “My contact didn’t know her real name. She didn’t know who Adrian was, either. But… I think I know. And I think you do, too.”

She’s not wrong. It’s been lined up in front of my eyes for a long time now. Too long for me to keep playing dumb. But I have been. I’ve been telling myself that the comforting lie is easier than the violent truth. I’ve been doing exactly what I’ve mocked June for doing time and time again: burying my head in the sand to keep from realizing something I don’t want to realize.

“My mother,” I whisper.

Milana looks down at her hands for a moment and then back up at me. I’m shocked to see tears in her eyes.

She clears her throat and stands. “You look pale,” she announces. She takes the vase by my bedside and pours me a glass of water. “Here. Drink.”

“I’m not thirsty.”

Sighing, she sets the glass back down. “I’m sorry, Kolya.”

What’s tearing me up most is the should-haves. The crown has been heavy on my head for a long time, and I’ve never doubted myself. But now, with three bullet holes in my body, my woman on the run, and my own brother coming for my throat, I feel the wolves creeping in.

I should have been harsher with my men from the start.

I should have searched harder for my mother when she disappeared.

I should have given Adrian tough love instead of a barrage of excuses.

I should have…

I should have…

I should have.

“She could still be out there,” I suggest, feeling a strangled sort of hope rekindle in the pit of my stomach.

Milana looks at me skeptically. “I suppose it’s possible. But…”

“I’m sick of the goddamn games, Milana. Just spit it out.”

She slumps back into the armchair with none of her usual grace. “By all accounts, it appears that they weren’t retiring Sapphire because she was aging out,” she says. “They were retiring her because she was sick. ‘Cancer’ is the word that’s floating around. I don’t know much more than that, and no one else I can find does, either. The girls lost track of her once she was out of the ring.”