I turn my head away and clench my teeth as Sara gets started. She’s tender at first, just probing at the very edges of the wound. I wince and bite down, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Then I realize that she’s barely even begun.

The first pass over my infected skin makes me gasp out loud and drool with agony. Before I know what I’m doing, I’ve reached out and snagged Kolya’s hand. I didn’t even realize he was close enough to grab.

I lift my eyes to his. How is it possible for one man to make you feel so safe and so scared? How is it possible to be so calm and yet so on edge?

Where does the lie stop, and where does the truth begin?

I release his arm abruptly. “Sorry,” I mutter. “Didn’t mean to.”

“How bad is the infection?” Kolya asks Sara, ignoring me altogether.

“Well, it’s a good thing we caught it now,” the doctor says as she keeps working. “Another few days and she might have needed surgery. As it is, I think we’ll be okay. But we’re going to start a strong course of antibiotics immediately. And June, I’ll need to see you every day for a while to check on this and drain it as needed. Now, hold still. This part is going to suck.”

I spent the next few minutes longing to reach for Kolya’s hand, but resisting the need with every ounce of stubbornness I possess.

For a while, I’m winning.

Then she starts to squeeze, and my heart strangles my throat.

This time, it’s Kolya who reaches for me. He grabs my hand and holds on tight while Sara finishes up. We don’t make eye contact, but the tension between us reaches new levels as I sit there, trapped by his presence, afraid of sliding back into his hold.

Something tells me that this is a battle I will not win.

“There!” Sara says triumphantly after a few more of the most painful minutes of my life. She spreads a layer of antibiotic ointment on top, then starts to wrap the wound in fresh gauze.

But before she’s even wound the first layer, Kolya intercedes. “I’ll do this part.”

He takes the gauze from her hands. Sara looks up at him, then at me, before shrugging and going to return everything to the supply closet.

Kolya takes up a position between my dangling legs. He doesn’t look at me, just focuses fiercely on the work at hand as he winds slow, careful layers of bandage over my arm.

Strangely, I stop feeling anything. The tears on my cheeks dry up. There’s no stinging or pain. Just relief, and hope, and the lingering smell of vanilla.

15

KOLYA

“Why so glum?” Milana asks as she hoists herself onto my desk and cocks her legs.

“Get your ass off my desk.”

She rolls her eyes and doesn’t move. “You’ve got her back. She’s here. Isn’t that what you wanted?”