Diesel gritted his way through entries spanning weeks of disappointment, descriptions of waking up nauseated, a panicked entry about a positive pregnancy test, and her fears of losing her job. His muscles corded tighter with every word. Several painful entries detailed weeks of trying to figure out what to tell Axel the next time she saw him and more debates about telling Tiny the truth, which she’d nixed because Axel was sad enough without my adding guilt to his already overburdened heart. She described talking to her unborn child and the excitement and worry when she started to show. She wrote about telling Alice that she was pregnant and answering her questions about the father.

He doesn’t want a family, and I’ll never put my child through what I lived through. Better this baby is loved by me, wholly and completely, than resented by a man who never wanted it.

Every word drove Diesel’s pain for her deeper.

It finally happened. Axel came into the bar tonight, but he was with another woman. I nearly died. I had practiced what I’d say for so long, I knew it by heart, but when he came over and looked at my belly, my mind went blank and I could barely remember how to breathe. He said, “Hey, Ruthie. That’s a good look on you. I guess you found your soul mate after all. Better him than me. I’d fuck a kid up somethin’ awful.” My heart cracked right down the middle, and I realized my mistake. I romanticized what we had, instead of believing what he’d said. I thought we’d connected so deeply, I could pull him from his grief. But now I know that nobody can do that for someone else. But you’re NOT a mistake, baby, and I’m strong. Even stronger because of you, so I held my chin up high, put my hand on my belly, and said, “Yes, I have.” A relieved smile appeared on Axel’s face, the kind you flash when you’re happy for someone but also glad you’re not pulled downstream with them, and he said, “It must’ve been that elfin magic. That’s one lucky baby. Best of luck to you both.” He walked away, slid into the booth beside the other woman, and slung an arm over her shoulder.

And you know what, baby? I was okay with that. It’s just you and me, and I swear to you right here and now that I’m going to be the best mother that has ever walked this earth. You will be loved more than life itself.