And all of that brought her to Stevens County, Washington, where she currently crouched in the shelter of shrubbery, a pair of high-powered binoculars pressed to her face, watching Top and Bunny train with a group of Fixers. All the time waiting for the call from Phoenix House to send her in, knife in hand, for some fun and games.

CHAPTER 71

ROTTERDAM MARRIOTT HOTEL

ROTTERDAM, THE NETHERLANDS

More and more of my memory came back as I was driving to my hotel.

Like where the hell my hotel was. And that the room key was in my soiled pants in the gym bag. I’d have to use the lavatory off the lobby to get it, then wash my hands again before heading to the elevators. Logistical thoughts like that.

At first.

As I drove, though, more and more of it was filtering back. It wasn’t like I had true blackouts. More like some kind of fugue state like what happens when the Cop or the Killer take over and drive my mental bus. More extreme than that, though, because I’d never had to fish for exact memories before. This was more insidious, as if the Darkness wanted to keep things from me. And maybe that was still happening. It wasn’t like being possessed by a demon or anything silly like that. My personality was never canceled out but merely overridden.

And I’d liked it. I’d accepted it. Yielded to it.

No exorcist was going to declare me clean, because I wasn’t. Even in the worst moments of excess, I was still holding the gun or the knife. I couldn’t take the coward’s excuse of saying it was temporary insanity. It wasn’t temporary, and—let’s face it—I’ve been insane by one metric or another since I was fourteen.

No, this was me. The question was whether the Darkness was off the clock for good, or if he would join my cadre of personalities from now on.

If that was the case, then …

Well, once this was all over, I might decide that I needed to be all over, too. I knew exactly how to do it.

Immediately, Junie’s face came into my thoughts. I could feel her out there, hurt by my silence, aching to know how I was. What was worse was that I knew she’d forgive me. Somehow, she would.

And I was not worth her forgiveness. I wasn’t worth anyone’s kindness or generosity of spirit.

When this was over, even if the Darkness was somehow excised, I knew I was done with RTI. No way they’d ever let me back in the field. No way they ever should.