In every part of her life, that was all she ever wanted to be, forcefully the same on the inside and the outside. Able to say what she wanted to say, able to do what she wanted to do, able to think of herself as she wanted to be thought of.

So many people loved her, and yet her love for them was tainted with fear. Her cousins, her friends, her aunt and uncle, her aji, they would always love her. Their love wasn’t conditional, the logical part of her knew that. But she couldn’t stop working for it, aching for it. She never felt worthy of it. Because they knew the truth about her.

Only with him had she never had to work for it.

Despite how that had ended, she wanted what they’d had again with a terrifying desperation.

He kissed the top of her head without looking away from her. She needed his gaze and he would not take that from her.

Look at you. Look at what I see. He didn’t have to say the words.

Being with him was the only glimpse she’d had of being fearless, of not being in need of armor. All the rest of her life had been spent in fear of being unwanted.

And now she knew it definitively.

Marital rape is hardly rare.

Ashna’s stomach turned and instinctively Rico’s arms tightened around her.

He is not like us. Life is hard enough with someone who’s your social equal.

That had been such a terrible lie. Life was hardest when you pushed away love. So many terrible lies her father had told her. It still felt like betrayal to think critically about Baba, even as her rage shifted inside her.

It doesn’t help that she romanticizes Bram so much.

Mom had that wrong. Ashna had never romanticized her father. She’d just felt like he was all she had. Actually, that was a lie. Truth was, she had always felt like she was all he had. In the end, she’d been right, because when she left him, look what happened.

Finally, eyes still clinging to Rico’s unwavering gaze, Ashna spoke the one truth she could tell. “I was never fierce, Rico. It was what you imagined me to be. No one else ever saw me that way. Just you.” How much she had needed that. How many things it would have changed to have had it for longer.

“That’s not true, meu amor. I’ve seen you with your family. Everyone sees you that way.”

She’s too fragile.

She pulled his arms from around her, but she kissed his hands before going back to the bed and retrieving her clothes. “My family sees that I’m broken.”

He stood in the doorway watching her put her clothes on. Then he followed her lead and pulled on his shorts.