I am not hearing any words anywhere, not even wind, just crunching of stones and rustling like clothes and shuffling like feet wearing slippers on road until many bodies tumble away at once and I am seeing blue and white and gold and red, and I must close my eyes because it is too much. And air is feeling cold on my skin because there is no more pile of smelling bodies crushing me. But air is also paining me like many many knife on my skin. It is burning, and I am hearing sizzle like meat is cooking.

Then, I am waking up. Is no body on top of me. Just metal. Many many pieces of metal, and it is burning. I am not sure why I am thinking of when Enyemaka are pulling me from pile of bodies and finding me and I am joining them and meeting Xifeng and finding purpose. But my body is shaking shaking.

I am trying to see with my mind’s eye but it is broken and I am not being able to access maps or reach out to Enyemakas. I am alone.

If I am closing my eyes tight, I am making my body to stop shaking and I am being able to pull myself out from under pile of metal that is trapping me. I am not able to be standing straight because one leg is being twisted wrongly, but it is not paining me so I am dragging it while fire burns around me.

It is still night, but smoke is blocking the stars. There is still some people in street taking picture of car wreckage with their phones, and I am hurrying away and taking cover behind other burning car and moving from shadow to shadow and hoping no one and nothing is seeing me.

And I am stumbling into darkness until I am finding forest and rain is hitting me through the leaves. It is making the ground soft soft and I am falling many time, and one time I am falling and letting myself lie still and hoping that the mud will rise and drink me entirely so my body is not paining me anymore. I am thinking that maybe this is what it is meaning to be sadding. You are wanting the earth to be consuming you.

I am thinking of Xifeng and how I am not looking for her, I am just thinking of running away. And I am thinking that I am coward and bad person to be doing this. Xifeng is protecting me and giving me purpose and telling me that I am not child of war and that I am good person and I am just leaving her behind.

I am trying to reach her with my mind’s eye, but I am hearing nothing. I am sending signal and hearing nothing and sending signal and hearing nothing and water is falling from my eyes.

CHAPTER

13