When I watch Xifeng and Ify move through cave headquarters, a part of me is feeling joy that they are seeing each other after so long apart and that they are knowing that the other is alive after passing much time not knowing. But another part of me is jealousing because Xifeng is looking at Ify like she is special, almost like she is wanting to call her daughter, and I am wanting Xifeng all to myself. I am not wanting to share her. Then I am jealousing again because Xifeng is looking at Ify like Ify is having answer to question she is asking, even though I am not knowing what these question is. And I am wanting to be able to look at Ify and see the mystery of myself being solved, and it is not happening.

I walk into the medical chamber, and I see Grace Leung who I am beating before and then I am sadding when I am seeing her face, even though it is already healing from the chemicals and the small small surgery they are doing. But Grace is seeing me out of the corner of her eye, and her whole body is clenching like fist or like something preparing for blow. And it is making me to be hating myself that someone is looking at me and thinking this thing instantly. So I am running away and looking for empty room and finding small room that is branching off of one of the main pathways, and it is filled with cleaning products on the shelves and wiring that is bunching up in the corner. I am sitting on the floor and pulling my knees to my chest and hugging them there like this, because doing this is the only thing that is making me to be not crying, and I am wishing now that I never discovered feeling thing, never developing capacity for emotions or ability to do useless human thing like love and be jealousing.

Beaded curtain is rustling, and when I am looking up, girl is searching shelves on opposite wall for something. It is Binye, who is running with me during mission and shooting and patting my head like I am being her little sister. “Where is it?” And I am hearing thing rattling around until she says, “Aha!” and is turning around and seeing me and almost jumping into the air from shock. “You scared me. What are you doing here?”

But I am not knowing what I should be telling her.