GREG Do you think we should … I mean, should we go home and discuss this, or …?

CARLY Whose home? Yours or mine?

GREG Doesn’t matter.

CARLY Yeah, it kinda does. I mean … at least now I know why we still have two homes.

GREG No, that’s not … no. I promise.

CARLY Really? (Beat.) We did have the “move in together” talk a couple of times… so …

GREG Carly, absolutely not! (Beat.) I ran into Steph a few … not that long ago, and … we’ve just … we’ve … been …

CARLY She said she cornered you at Costco.

GREG Ok, yes. That’s more like the truth …

CARLY I’d prefer the facts if you don’t mind.

GREG … fine …

CARLY I guess this job is rubbing off on me … that and feeling like I’m suddenly back in the same fucking nightmare that I was in with Kent! (Beat.) Shit …/ I can’t even believe this!

GREG I’m sorry for not …/ Carly …

CARLY I’ve gotta punch out so I’d appreciate it if you’d just jump in and say it, ok?/ Please, Greg? (Beat.)

GREG Carly, look …/ I should’ve said something before, but I didn’t know what to do—I did try to tell you once, I did!—but that’s obviously why it’s taken me so long to … for me to, to … broach this …

CARLY English, please.

GREG I’m struggling with what to do! I don’t know how to handle this, so … I’m …

CARLY It’s easy. Which one of us do you wanna be with?

GREG That’s … we haven’t had sex or anything, I promise. It hasn’t been like that.

CARLY I know./ Steph said that, too.

GREG … oh./ She did?

CARLY Yeah, Greg, she told me everything. Girls are like that … honest. (Beat.) We fought for about, like … ten minutes … but the whole thing’s just so fucking absurd that we … you know. We just got it out.

GREG Then … why didn’t you say something? To me?/ No, I know that, I know, but … I’m just saying … if you knew, then …

CARLY Because it’s not my place here, okay? I don’t have to be the “guy” this time …/ For the last three years I’ve had to do all the lifting and make the … be a mom and a dad to my daughter and I’m just not gonna do that in this situation. You are an adult, Greg … whether you like it or not. You have feelings—or at least I am giving you the benefit of the doubt—so you’ve got some idea how this should go by this point. So … go. Say something.

GREG … I’m … trying to …

CARLY However I feel about this … and I have a shitload of feelings right now … you and me are in a situation that we need to do something about. We gotta figure it out—I mean, we’re not having sex, either, now and, so … I mean … what’s going on here?