Sometimes I don’t think I was made with reality in mind. And now I can look forward to an eternal, open-ended reality. A reality that dreams me without waking. Unrelieved reality. Some might call it a challenge, others a sentence. Whatever you call it, though, we here in the rehab—the newly clean and sober—belong to it as completely as slaves. Reality’s puppies.

Nomads, yes-men, kings.

. . . All right, all right, it’s park time. That horrible nurse is taking us to the park, the one with the shrill cartoon voice who clicks her keys on my door. On the other hand, maybe this is a good character: the Annoying Nurse. She could be a good antagonist for my protagonist.

How do I look? Shit, this sweater still smells. Well, I can’t worry about it. This is my last chance. I’m gonna talk to Suzanne and today’s the day. Here we go. God, this is so pathetic, with everyone waiting by the nurses’ station to go . . .

There she is! Oh, God, and she’s got her suitcase by her door. It’s like the end of camp. Drug camp. We should be making drug lanyards. Okay, here we go. Who can I latch on to so I seem like a part of it? I’m so out of it. If I’d done this before, this would be more natural and . . . Wait, there’s Carol.

“Hi, Carol. No, I feel better. I . . . I fucked up. Yeah. I’ve been on Inderal for a couple of days. They say my heartbeat is very accelerated. Anxiety? No, maybe it’s from the cocaine leaving my system.”

That sounded stupid.

“It’s probably from anxiety.”

Okay! Now!

“Hi. Hi, Suzanne.”

God, I should have said more. What else can I . . . Don’t look down at your feet. You don’t smell, you don’t smell. You look fine.

“Yeah, we haven’t really officially met. Yeah. I heard you’re going home today. You nervous at all? Yeah. Yeah, I was nervous when I went home. That’s true, I didn’t really go home like you’re going home. So, do you think you’ll come back and visit people?”

That’s dumb. I sound so desperate. Just be cool.

“You have any work lined up? Do you think it hurt your career to be a drug addict? Yeah, I guess it would. I guess it would. So, the park. Going to the park.”

Fuck, I can’t think of anything to say. What do you say? Tell her she looks good. I can’t. What will she think I’m trying to do, date her?

“So, you’re coming back to your group meetings next week. That’s smart, that’s very smart. Maybe I should do that. I mean, after I leave. You think I should? I’d like to know what you think I should do, because . . .”