Maybe if I talk to some of these people they can help with some of these feelings. I don’t have to like them, I just have to learn how to not do drugs from them. Not Stan, certainly, but I could probably do all right working with Julie . . .

What the fuck? I’ll try it their way for a while. I haven’t got too much to lose, I guess. I’m still not gonna use that Jacuzzi, though . . .

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

I can’t quite believe I’m actually going home in two days. I’m not completely leaving, though. They said I could continue coming during the day for all of next week. I’ll be an out-patient. Bart is going to do that, too. So now I’ll get the best of both worlds. It’s hard to imagine a day without Carl talking too much in it. I wonder if he’d do my answering machine message for me.

Today was Mark’s twentieth birthday. His favorite gift was the Big Mac that Stan brought him.

. . . Okay, okay, I’m an alcoholic. I can’t get loaded anymore. If I do, I could die. Or worse. I remember Stan saying once—I loathe that sucker—but he said the worst thing is not dying, it’s living like that. That would be bad, to spend my whole life in Ramada Inns with pockmarked dealers. Certainly the cocaine never enhanced his looks for me. It doesn’t ever really do a lot, but that first hit . . . Well, I shouldn’t get off on a rant about dope.

I think what I can do now is throw myself into my work, my writing. And I’ll go to these meetings—at least then my parents will stay off my back—but I’m never ever going to an AA dance. It seems so tragic to stand around with a lot of people who don’t—no, not even don’t—can’t take dope anymore and do the twist or something, like twitching at the end of some pathetic line in the river without any fish. Oooh, that’s a good analogy. I think this script is going to go well.

Julie said I can rejoin the group, so I’ll start gathering data. And I heard Suzanne’s leaving tomorrow. I’ve gotta talk to her, or else it’s like I made all this shit up. I don’t want to have to think I’m deluding myself that we have any kind of connection. She’s the one person here I really feel a connection with.