‘Do you have to do that?’ I handed her the joint. ‘I’m trying to tell you I can’t speak to anyone, I’m running on empty, and now you’re crying, which means I have to invest energy I don’t have into you. Thanks, Sarah, thanks. That’s really fucking great.’ I left her with the joint, marched inside, got my shoes, jacket, phone, keys, Bluetooth headphones, opened the front –

Sarah came through. ‘Where you going, Chris?’

‘Out. I need some time alone. I can’t fucking stand this.’

‘Don’t speak to me like that. The kids might not even be asleep yet.’

‘Fucking hell,’ I hissed, ‘is that what you say to Vernon when he’s fucking you and they’re sleeping ten feet away?’

She was crying for real now – mea culpa, sorry, everyone, everything bad that’s ever happened to you was my fault, all of it.

I peeled her hand from the doorframe. ‘I’m going out.’

‘Please don’t go out like this.’

I started opening the door, stopped. ‘I’m fine, Sarah. I just need to be on my own for a bit.’

She wedged her body between mine and the door. ‘Chris, I’m worried about you. If anything ever happened to you, I’d be –’

‘Sarah … Can you get out of the way, please?’

‘Tell me where you’re going. Please, Chrissy, you don’t look well.’

Where was I going? I didn’t know. Just out on my own.

I nudged her to the side, snuck through the door. ‘The train tracks, I guess.’

* * *

Oh, the air in my lungs. Walking, slowing – get the music on – pushing play, Scary Monsters, max volume. Walking – oh, how I was walking – bounding. I was heading … this way, past the scary industrial estate car park, out onto Victoria Street, streetlights, cars, bounding …

Scary Monsters, and Super –

Beep, my phone ringing in my headphones. Biddy. I stopped, watched the screen, waited for the ringing to stop, walked.

Sang, I could sing, I could –

Biddy, my Biddy, I couldn’t just ignore her. I stopped at the bus shelter, sat on the plastic bench, texted: Sorry I didn’t take your call. I had a feeling it was because Sarah had called you. Everything OK?

I started walking, singing ‘Ashes to Ashes’, nobody was … there was nobody around. I could sing – fucking go for it, Chris – just had to keep my eyes peeled …

Beep. I stopped.

Biddy: Sarah’s asked me to come over – she’s really worried about you, so now I’m worried too! Where are you? I’m heading to yours.

Music back on, heading downhill, short steps, stopping … I texted: Oh god. Really no need! I’m heading in the other direction

Bounding, Bowie. Moonee Valley Racing Club in the distance, all lit up. Crossing the CityLink bridge, north and southbound traffic monstering by beneath me, Bowie, breathing, feeling buoyed.

Beep. Stop.