I didn’t think, or I decided not to think. I had to make that little girl grin, and support her hopefulness, which I saw as my own, and if this meant a dreamy gay wedding, that’s what I’d contribute. That’s what I do for a living. That’s what Ruth Ginsburg had legalized when she’d voted in favor of marriage equality on the Supreme Court. I had a vision of that little girl, Ruth and me in the hallowed Charlie’s Angels justice-seeking trio-of-hot-babes pose.

“Yes,” I told the room, “the prince and Spider-Man got married, but their ceremony and reception were a benefit to buy defibrillators and patient monitors for St. Garvin’s. And then they teamed up with the Flash, Ant-Man and Captain Marvel to plant the beautiful garden right outside these windows, and they filled the cafeteria with treats that didn’t taste like hospital food at all!”

These details, especially the last one, prompted the kids’ loudest ovation yet. I looked at Edgar, who seemed stunned but happy, which was the best possible effect I could have on him.

Within the next fifteen minutes the following headlines were blasted across social media, in many languages, all over the world:

ROYAL COMPANION SAYS PRINCE EDGAR HAS SEX WITH SUPERHERO

AMERICAN WHOEVER-HE-IS TELLS KIDS SPIDER-MAN IS QUEER

PRINCE EDDIE INVOLVED WITH SPIDER-MAN AND ASSOCIATE EVENT IDIOT

QUEER TAKEOVER OF LONDON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL CONDEMNED BY AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

COPYRIGHT ACTION BEING CONSIDERED AGAINST ROYAL BOYFRIEND SMUTMEISTER

LEAGUE OF CHRISTIAN MOMS INSISTS SPIDER-MAN ONLY DATES PIOUS WOMEN

PALACE MUST RESPOND: WILL PRINCE EDGAR RETURN TO REHAB?

CANCEL CARTER OGDICK

There were also photoshopped images of Edgar and Spider-Man having sex, a cartoon of me breathing fire onto children, and an animated video of Edgar and Spider-Man, naked and riding a winged unicorn while sprinkling glitter onto the Tower of London.

Adam sent me a spreadsheet dividing the millions of tweets into the following categories: American Homo Tells Sick Kids Porn Story, Royal Family Asunder, Prince Edgar Should Never Be King, Batman Issues Statement Claiming “I Always Knew,” Queen Catherine to Meet with Prime Minister Over Gay Sexgate, and Carter Ogden Shut the Hell Up.

My mom texted me thirty-eight times with variations on “I know you meant well. Call me. Oy.”

My dad emailed me, “Is Spider-Man the fellow who swings from buildings on some sort of webbing, which isn’t scientifically possible?”

Abby texted me, “I know what you were going for and it’s good you brought cookies.”

Louise posted a photo of herself wearing a T-shirt reading “Free Carter Ogden!”

DuShawn started selling tank tops on eBay airbrushed with the word “SPIDER-QUEER” in rainbow stripes and vowed to use any proceeds for my defense fund.