“Pancakes?” asked Caroline incisively, as if she’d just flung open a trunk and found the murder weapon.

“No!” I told Edgar. “I won’t let you do this. I won’t let you turn me into a liar and the bad guy and the reason you’re about to torch your own life. That’s not fair. I’m a mess and the worst baking show judge ever, and I don’t even want to think about what my hair is doing right now, but I am not your enemy!”

“I don’t care!” Edgar said, and now he was shouting. “I don’t want to care! About any of this! And about doing this stupid interview!”

“Your Highness,” said Caroline, deeply insulted, “may I remind you that the Palace agreed to your appearance, and Mr. Ogden’s, and that I have an award-winning reputation for my comprehensive communication skills—for example, my two-part special evening edition with Mariah Carey—”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT MARIAH CAREY!” Edgar bellowed, standing up. “I don’t care about protocol, I don’t care about calculating my royal profile, I don’t care about love . . .”

He turned to me. His face was wild, and I was so frightened, not by his anger, but because I knew what he was going to say next.

“Which means . . . which means . . . that I can’t care about you!”

His body was flailing; he was about to either spontaneously combust and fill the airwaves with a zillion floating shreds of convulsive royalty, or leave. He lunged at me but at the last second yanked himself back. He moaned in an unearthly combination of a Neanderthal’s war cry and a wretchedly teething baby, shook his arms to the heavens and hurled himself out of the studio, followed by a frantic James and the security team.

“Oh my,” said Caroline, shocked but pleased by the chaos she’d incited and the ratings that would accrue. “Mr. Ogden?” she asked serenely. “Any final thoughts?”

“Any final thoughts?” I said, staring at her incredulously, in disbelief at the height, or the depth, of her sheer gall. I marched directly to one of the cameras and said, “Only one. Everybody knows that Caroline’s book sucks and that she wrote that Amazon review herself. And beyond that, I have no idea what I’m doing here, on this show or in England or anywhere else! Because I’m from New Jersey, and I’m going home!”

CHAPTER 25