“I must apologise,” he began, “for how abysmally and inhumanely you were treated by my staff. None of this was your doing; you hadn’t been prepared for—a royal uproar. And the stranger thing is, neither was I. After all these years and so many mishaps, you’d think I’d have developed a protocol, or a thicker skin. But I did what I always do under pressure: I retreated. I locked my emotions in a strongbox, in the smallest room of the highest tower, where I could look down on the world without participating. But that needs to end. And so I have a proposal. First, I’ll ask you to become more aware—of certain parameters, of the detours I’ve invented for sidestepping constant exposure. But far more importantly, I have an unequivocal demand.”

“A demand?”

“I’ve met your family, which began to explain so much about you. So I insist you meet mine.”

Adam and Louise exchanged a not-uninterested glance, and my mom, thrilled to be eavesdropping via the phone, said, so only I could hear, “I’m liking this. I’m intrigued. Tell him to keep going.”

“How?” I asked Edgar. “How would I meet your family?”

“Well, you’ve skirmished with Gerald, and not at his best. So I’m inviting you to travel, as my guest, to London, for a week or however long you’d like, to stay in the palace and tangle with the most bizarre and unhinged creatures on Earth—the royal family. Who, if they weren’t absurdly wealthy and impossible to fire, would be found working in a carnival or in jail.”

“Wait,” I said. “You want me to stay at Buckingham Palace and meet . . .”

“The Queen of England,” my mother hissed in my ear.

“Your grandmother,” I translated.

“Yes,” said Edgar.

“If you don’t do this,” my mom continued, “if you don’t give Edgar a chance, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Hand him this phone.”

I passed Edgar the phone and he listened patiently, saying, “Yes . . . Yes . . . Of course . . . You as well . . . Yes, it’s spotless . . . No, I would never do that . . . All expenses paid . . . Of course. I’ll tell him.”

Edgar hung up and told me, “Your mother says you should pack twice as much clean underwear as you think you’ll need and that Miriam believes English aspirin is better than American so you must bring back five bottles, and Miriam also says that if I do anything to bring shame on the Ogdens, she will, and I believe her exact words were, ‘come over there.’”

“Watch out,” I said.