“She gave up, Sarai,” I said, my eyes on hers. “She just gave up, and we lost both of them.”

“You won’t lose me,” she said softly.

A choked sob came out of my mouth, and I brushed at my face in embarrassment.

“I’m right here,” she said, taking a step forward.

All the panic, the incessant need to check the windows and doors to make sure they were locked, to inspect Sarai’s car every time she drove it, all of it made sense now. My skin felt tight as I flexed my shoulders and stretched my neck from side to side. I barely remembered the night my sister arrived stillborn, but it must have stuck with me, because I’d been obsessive about keeping Sarai and the baby safe.

And it hadn’t done a damn bit of good.

I looked at my wife, terrified that history was repeating itself.

“It’s cold out here,” she said softly, reaching her hand out to me. “Let’s get back in the truck.”

I nodded silently and took her hand, leading her back to her side.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” she said as I helped her into her seat. She reached out and put her hand on my cheek.

I nodded and pulled away. A few minutes later, as we pulled back onto the freeway, her hand slid across the seat and came to rest on my thigh. I took that as a step in the right direction, but I was too raw to do anything about it.

Chapter 18

Sarai

I didn’t know how to explain to Alex how things had become so jumbled in my mind when I couldn’t even make sense of it myself.

Whenever I’d thought about the past month, one thing had popped into my head. I hadn’t planned for any of this. I hadn’t been prepared to be pregnant. I hadn’t been prepared to get into a car accident. I hadn’t been prepared to lose the baby whom I’d just begun to accept and want. If I’d only known it was coming, then maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so badly.

I knew it didn’t make sense, but during those first few days after the accident, it was all I could think about. It was how I’d rationalized it in my head—that something horrible had happened because I’d deviated from my planned route. If only I hadn’t done that, the rest of it wouldn’t have happened.

It didn’t help that it seemed to be affecting me far worse than it did Alex. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset when he wasn’t. He’d been the one who was excited for the baby, and I’d been the one left brokenhearted when that baby didn’t exist anymore. It didn’t seem fair.