There were a thousand scenarios that didn’t end with Sarai losing our baby, and that killed me because I couldn’t change a goddamn thing. And now I was terrified that I would lose Sarai, too.

*  *  *

“Are you hungry?” I asked the next morning as Sarai came out of our room ready for work. “I can make you something real quick.”

“No thank you,” she said, setting her laptop bag on the table. The sight of it reminded me of what I’d found last night, and I glanced at the clock to see how much time I had.

“I want to run something past you,” I said. I waited for her to look at me before continuing. It was frustrating as hell when I couldn’t tell if she was paying attention or not. “I think we should move.”

“To where?” she asked.

“I think we should move to Oregon.”

Sarai scoffed.

“Sarai,” I said, taking a deep breath. “You’re falling behind at school.”

“What?”

“I read your emails.”

“You got on my laptop?” she asked. She was irritated, but the normal anger I would have encountered for the breach of privacy just wasn’t there. Her lack of real emotion grated.

“Yes,” I snapped. I knew she was struggling and depressed, but the apathy was hard to endure day after day. “I looked in your emails, and you’re going to fucking fail if you don’t ask for a leave of absence or something.”

Sarai rolled her eyes, and for a split second she looked like the woman I’d married.

“Do you want to completely fail out of that program?” I asked in disbelief.

“You worry about you,” she replied dully. “I’ll worry about me.”

“Goddamn it, Sarai,” I sighed.

“Don’t swear at me,” she replied forcefully. My eyes widened in surprise.

“Then get your head out of your ass,” I said, trying my best to provoke her.

“My head is in my ass?” she shot back. My heart raced as she took a step forward. “I’m sorry that you don’t seem to feel anything, but I’m having a harder time with all this.”

“Me?” I replied dubiously. “You’re the one who walks around here like you don’t care about a goddamn thing.”

“I care,” she argued.

“Really? Because from what I can see, you’ve completely given up since the accident.”

“Don’t you talk to me about the accident,” she spat.

“Why, because I didn’t get hurt?” I asked. “Do you have any idea what it was like, trying to get to you? Having to watch it all?”

“I’m sure it was much harder than living it,” she replied sarcastically.

“If we hadn’t gone to rescue your fucking friend, none of this would have happened,” I blurted.

“If your friend wasn’t psychotic, I wouldn’t have had to rescue her!” she yelled back.