He doesn’t angrily protest my words, which I rather expected and half hoped for. I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for him to walk away from me and stand by the window, his back to me. He says nothing for the longest time and I wait, wary, for his objections to come. They don’t.

“Last night,” he says finally, “I thought I’d lost you. When your eyes went all blank and you just stopped responding, I thought the life was draining out of you right in front of my eyes, and I was scared. More scared than I’ve ever been in my life. Even more than when my mother…” He trails off, his voice shaky. “I didn’t know it was possible to feel the pain I felt before you came back to me. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head or my heart since.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. I am.” He turns back around. His eyes are haunted with pain and my heart breaks at the sight of them. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I thought I was, but maybe I’m not. I just don’t think I can survive this again.”

I smile through tears that flow faster than I can wipe them away. “James, you’ve made these last few months the happiest of my life. The memories we’ve made together will keep me warm in here”—I touch my chest—“until I take my last breath. But I agree. I don’t want you to stick around for what’s coming. I might only have weeks left, and it’s not going to be pretty. I don’t want you to see me at my worst. I want you to remember me how I am.”

“I will never forget a second of my time with you, I promise you that.” His voice is raspy with emotion.

“And I will not be the reason you miss out on the biggest opportunity of your life.”

“Opportunity?”

“The job in the jungle. Take it, James. It will be life-changing for you.”

“No. I don’t know.” He shakes his head.

“Take it. I’m not advising you, James, I’m telling you. Take it. I don’t want you here anymore. I want you to go, and do great things for both of us, because I’ll never get that chance. I want you to go and to live the best life you can. For me.”

“How can I just walk away from you?”

I remember my question to my father on the beach, Kate’s question to me. We are all scared of the same thing.

“You can, and you have to. Just don’t look back.”

He crosses the room to the bed and with an angry howl he presses his forehead against mine, his breath hot on my face, our tears mingling together. He kisses me, and I feel a million lives lived in just that one kiss. A million futures together, a million roads traveled. Then he pulls away and leaves the room without looking back.