He tightens his grip on my shoulders but doesn’t answer.

“How will I know when to let go, Dad?”

It’s an unfair question and no answer comes. Just the tide. Unrelenting.

The dress, when we do go back to the house, is as I predicted. Too big. My mother frowns, pins stuck between her teeth, as she surveys the baggy material. I watch her in the mirror and see the exact moment realization dawns. She closes her eyes tightly for a moment, calling all her strength into play, before opening them again and smiling at me brightly.

“Don’t panic, but a minor problem,” she chirps. “I mucked up the measurements last time. Completely my fault. Bear with me while I just pin it properly and then we’ll be all good to go.”

“You’re lying.”

“Ava Green, don’t you dare call me a liar. I am your mother.”

“Sorry. I do appreciate it, though.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. But you’re welcome.”

“We don’t have to do this if it’s too hard, Mum.”

She stops pinning to look at my reflection in the mirror quizzically. “Do what? Alter the dress? It’s no problem, really. Well, for Sharon Hornsby anyway. You know I’m no great sewer but she’s happy to make the alterations we need. She’ll stay up all night if she needs to.” Because of the pins, her words come out all funny-sounding, but I understand her.

“The wedding, Mum. We don’t have to do any of this if it’s too hard on you and Dad.”

She sighs and sits on the end of the bed, spitting the pins out into her hand. “I’m not going to lie,” she admits. “When you first mentioned the idea I thought it was ridiculous. But then I thought about it some more, and I realized, why shouldn’t you have the day you always wanted? Besides, you’re right, a funeral is a horrible, morbid affair. I’ve never liked them.”

“I don’t think anyone does.”

“Of course not. Don’t interrupt.”

“Sorry.”

“I think the idea of having a day to celebrate your life with your family and friends while you’re still with us is a good one. A great idea, in fact. And your father feels the same way.”

“I’m not so sure anymore.”

She tilts her head and sighs. “OK. Where is this coming from? Talk to me. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“It’s James.”

“Where is he? I haven’t seen him today.”

“That’s the point. He said something about catching up with an old friend as he practically ran out of the door this morning and I haven’t heard from him since. He’s barely been around much at all the last week. I don’t know what happened. Everything was going so amazingly and then all of a sudden it was like he just hit the brakes, and I feel like he wants out but just doesn’t know how to tell me.”

“Oh, darling, I’m sure that’s not the case. He adores you. Everyone can see that.”