Chapter Thirty-Three

You were very quiet on the trip back. Are you sure you’re OK?”

James holds my hand as I step down from the helicopter, involuntarily ducking even though the blades are well above my head.

“I’m fine.” I smile to reassure him as we walk back past the safety line, into the shadows of the office. The sky is gray and moody today, and it has started to drizzle. “Just feeling a little melancholic.”

“No regrets?”

“No. Well, maybe one.”

“Really?” He immediately looks worried.

“Yes.” I step closer and snuggle into his chest, warm and safe and secure. He wraps his arms tightly around me. I tilt my head to look up at him. “I wish the weekend hadn’t ended so soon. That we could stay there longer.”

He relaxes, exhales. “God, you had me worried then.”

“Don’t worry. I will never regret a second of time spent with you.”

“Me neither.” He bends his head and kisses me softly.

We hear a throat being cleared and turn our heads to where Toby is nearby, watching us. “I thought you guys said you weren’t a couple?”

“Oh, right.” James smiles sheepishly. “Yeah, so that situation has kind of changed.”

“Yes, I can see that.” He smirks knowingly.

I know James is worried, I can feel it in the air between us. But I just can’t shake the heaviness that has settled on my heart. I told him beside the lake that I would rather feel this and be hurt than die without feeling anything, but it’s so much harder than I thought it would be. I know what I’m leaving behind now. For the first time, I have a clearer idea of the kind of future I could have had. And it’s just not fair. Tears trickle down my cheeks as I watch the rain-sodden landscape flash by the car window.

“Talk to me, Ava,” he says softly. “I want to help you, if I can.”

I sniff noisily, wiping the tears with my sleeve, and turn my face to him. “You can’t. No one can. That’s the problem.”

His hands clench the steering wheel and his knuckles turn white. “Do you wish you’d never met me?”

“Oh, God no. James, no, don’t even think like that. You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve felt more alive in the last few days with you than I’ve ever felt in my life. I just wish I’d met you sooner, that things could be different.”

He signals and pulls the car over on to the gravel shoulder of the road. Then he turns the key in the ignition off and we are left with the sound of silence.

“If it helps,” he says finally, “I don’t know what I’m doing either.”

“Do you wish you’d never met me?” I echo his question, scared of the answer.

He twists in his seat and shakes his head emphatically. “No. Of course not. Never. It’s just, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. On the one hand, I’m having all these wonderful, incredible feelings. And I just want to shout about it from the rooftops, you know?”