Dear Locker 89,

I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend.

I’ve done it with him a few times, and I gave him my full consent, so don’t worry about that, but I did it because I felt like that’s what people should do in relationships, not because I wanted to. My friends told me I’d change my mind once I did it, but I didn’t. Then they said I didn’t like it because sometimes it hurts the first time, and it’d start feeling better. But it didn’t hurt. I just didn’t like it. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to feel different to this. And it’s not my boyfriend’s fault, I absolutely adore him. And I’m attracted to him, that’s the confusing part! I think he’s the most beautiful guy I’ve ever laid eyes on, I love looking at him, and cuddling him, and being around him is my favorite thing to do in the world. And I’ve always wanted a boyfriend, I’ve been a hopeless romantic for years, I consume romance books like they’re my oxygen, etc. etc., so I know I’m not asexual. I don’t know what it is! I guess my question is, what do you think might be wrong with me? And is it fair to ask my boyfriend to hold off sex while I try to figure out what’s going on? What if it takes me forever to figure out?

[email protected]

Locker 89 <[email protected]>     6:12 p.m. (0 min ago)

to Erica

Hi Erica!

I want to be clear here. There is nothing wrong with you. Also, it is absolutely okay to ask your boyfriend to hold off sex. You do not need a reason to say no to sex. There is no time limit after which point it’s been “too long” and you should resume sex. The answer, for you, might be “never,” and that’s perfectly okay. You should only ever, ever have sex with someone if it’s something you decide you want to do, not because you’re afraid you’ll be dumped, or out of guilt or pressure.

In saying that, I recommend that you try to have an open conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling, and why you would prefer to “hold off,” as you put it. For some people, sex is an important part of a relationship. For others, it’s not crucial at all (or wanted!). Everyone is different, and giving your boyfriend the opportunity to express his own wants, and understand where you’re at, will help you both make an informed decision about whether the relationship continues to be a good fit for both of you.

But again, I must stress, please do not act out of panic or guilt. You should make this call for you, based on what you want and need. It’s no one else’s call to make. Some people firmly don’t want sex. Some are indifferent. Some choose to have it for certain reasons such as conception. Some choose to not have sex under any circumstances. All are fine and valid. The key is it should be your choice, based on what you want, period.

Also, I wanted to note that in your letter you seemed to be saying you cannot be asexual because you feel romantic toward your boyfriend. There is a difference between being asexual and being aromantic. Asexuality refers to sexual attraction (and not necessarily whether you like sex itself: some ace people enjoy sex), and aromanticism refers to romantic attraction. In fact, there are so many different experiences and identities here, and I’d encourage you to explore it further. I will say, though, you can be asexual while experiencing romantic attraction. You can be aromantic while feeling sexual attraction (and you can like romance without experiencing romantic attraction yourself). And the romantic attraction you seem to feel toward your boyfriend is not the same as being sexually attracted to him. Have you ever attended the Q&Q Club? They meet on Thursdays during lunch in classroom F-47. It’s a safe space to go if you have questions, or are confused about anything regarding sexuality and gender. It’s a judgment-free space. And you might meet someone who’s experienced something similar to what you’re experiencing.

Good luck!

Locker 89