Locker 89 <[email protected]>     6:45 a.m. (0 min ago)

to ray_of_sunshine001

Dear Ray of Sunshine,

You’re right. Asking someone out without a foundation might be the preferred mode for some, but for the rest of us, it’s a little too confronting, and the risk-to-benefit ratio is too big! It sounds like you fall into the latter category. In that case, I would approach things gradually. Find an excuse to spend time with this person—one-on-one is great, groups work too in a pinch. Your best bet is finding something you have in common, then using that as a jumping-off point. “Oh, you love Stephen King, too? I’ve been wanting to stream his new movie for ages, but none of my friends are brave enough to watch with me.” Or “I’ve seen you at the game the last few weeks, are you hitting up the next one? My friends bailed on me.” Or “I love baking too, I’d love to share tips sometime.”

You’ve got to have something in common (and let’s be tough but fair, if you don’t, maybe she’s not the best match for you anyway?). Once you’re hanging out, you can take the opportunity to a) develop your friendship, and b) scope out your chemistry. Rest assured, the “friend zone” is not a real thing. There is nothing wrong with pursuing a platonic relationship for now while you figure out the next steps, and, in fact, the chances of any romantic relationship working out will be increased if you both know you get along, have things in common, and are comfortable around each other. Just keep it consensual, and remember just because she agreed to hang out, does not mean she’s agreed to a date with you.

If you want to figure out if it’s safe to ask her about her feelings, body language is your friend. Look for prolonged eye contact (if she holds it long enough to feel *too* long, it’s a good sign), casual physical contact (the arm touch), a prolonged hug hello or good-bye on her end, lots of leaning in, if she’s spending a lot of time looking at your lips … these are all possible indications she might be receptive to you asking her out. I believe in you, Ray! It’s much easier to ask someone out once you’ve had the chance to gauge their interest and to show them how much fun you have together.

Good luck!

Locker 89