Chapters (32)
Dear Locker 89,
My boyfriend and I are in a fight because he’s refusing to come over my house anymore. Basically, my dad and brother have a dry sense of humor, and they make a lot of jokes about what my boyfriend wears or says or does, and it’s been hurting his feelings. I keep trying to explain to him that that’s how they are, and they’ve been doing it to me my whole life and I just try to brush it off and laugh even if it’s not that funny because it’s not worth the drama. I feel like it shows a lack of interest in me / my family that he’s not willing to even try to go along with the jokes. It’s causing problems for me at home now, too, because my family has noticed he won’t talk to them and it’s making them think he’s wrong for me. I don’t know what to do, and I’m resentful that I’m being asked to pick sides.
Please help,
Locker 89 <[email protected]> 7:32 p.m. (0 min ago)
to Mrs. Shawn Mendes
Hi Mrs. Shawn Mendes!
Ok, so. Real talk, here. From the information you’ve given me, I don’t think your boyfriend is the one putting pressure on you to unfairly choose sides here. A huge part of a strong relationship is being able to view your partner as a safe base to explore the world: you might go out and get bruised and battered, but when you return to your partner you should feel unconditionally accepted, loved, and supported. We call this safe base “the couple bubble.” When your boyfriend tells you these “jokes” are genuinely upsetting to him, and you invalidate his feelings by telling him to just put up with them, he can’t view you as a safe base anymore, because you don’t have his back when it counts.
Now, I’m not implying you must choose your partner over others in every situation! There are many times when you may prioritize your family and friends. But your boyfriend isn’t asking you to miss a special celebration, or to not be there for someone when they’re sick or in need of help, or to sacrifice something important for him. He’s simply asking for basic respect and dignity in a situation where he’s been made to feel unsafe, and he does not feel supported by you.
From your letter, it seems to me that your dad and brother are failing to respect basic boundaries here (and it sounds like they may also do this with you, which is not something you are required to accept). You don’t need to start a fight with your family members to have your boyfriend’s back. Some solutions might include having a talk with your dad and brother and requesting that they cool it, or saying “that’s not funny” if they make hurtful comments, or assuring your boyfriend that if he comes over and they start making digs that you will go with him into a private area of the house. The key here is that your boyfriend should feel that his hurt feelings matter to you, and that you’re willing to compromise and stand up for him if he is being unfairly disrespected by people around you.
Good luck!
Locker 89