Hi Locker 89,

So, my girl has been driving me fucking crazy. She doesn’t know what the word space means!! If I fucking DARE to not text her one day, she’ll blow my phone up. Mom told me not to reward her for being psycho, so I make sure I don’t reply til the next day so she knows going off on me isn’t gonna make me wanna talk to her. And when I do reply, suddenly she’s all 1-word answers and passive-aggressive bitchiness. Wtf? Like do you wanna fucking talk to me or not? Now I have to feel fucking guilty because I didn’t check my phone in bio? I don’t wanna break up because she’s actually really cool when she’s not being psycho. I swear I’m a good boyfriend, but I can’t constantly text her just to keep her from losing it??

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Locker 89 <[email protected]>     3:06 p.m. (0 min ago)

to Dtb02

Hey DTB!

I recommend you look up different attachment styles. I can’t say for sure, but it sounds like your gf might have an anxious attachment style. (There are four main styles, and to summarize: one is secure, where people learned as babies that love is reliable and predictable. Another is dismissive-avoidant, where a person learns as an infant that they can’t rely on others, and grows up finding it hard to let people in. Then you have anxious, where a person learned that love is only given sometimes, and can be snatched away without warning, leaving them constantly afraid of abandonment as adults. And finally, fearful avoidant, where someone is both afraid of abandonment and of letting others in. Confusing!) Long story short, she’s always going to be super sensitive to anything that feels like abandonment, and she’ll go right into panic mode when that happens. We call it “activating.” It’s not “psycho” (FYI that’s not a cool term), it’s a primal fear of being alone and in danger. But in saying that, I totally get how it’d feel smothering when she activates.

I recommend setting boundaries, but also taking steps to reassure her you’re still into her. She might need that more than some others. Let her know you think she’s amazing, but you want to come up with a solution to make sure she doesn’t panic if you don’t text. Come to an agreement you’re both happy with, because your need for space is valid! Maybe you’d be happy to text her before school every day, even just to say good morning, have a good day? Or maybe you think it’s reasonable to send her a quick text reply in the bathroom like, “Sorry I’m in class at the moment, I’ll message you when I’m home tonight so I can reply properly, can’t wait to talk.” Or if you’re not in the mood for talking, message her to say, “Having an off night, nothing to do with you, love you, can we chat tomorrow?” The key is, it should be something you both think will work.

It’ll take some compromise, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to talk an anxiously attached person down from their spiral if you don’t leave them in silence to imagine the worst. They only want to know there’s a reason for your distance that isn’t “they don’t love me anymore.”

Good luck!

Locker 89