“Well,” Li’l Bit says, laughing. “We’re going trick or treating with children, and I’m kinda knocked up.”

“Excuses.” He tosses his long hair in that annoying way he does. “You can’t even tell you’re pregnant yet, and I’ve seen plenty of slutty pregnant chicks.”

“Knock it off,” I warn when Rhett and Korie round the corner dressed up like Mario and Yoshi, toting Hadley along as Princess Peach.

Right behind them, Nick, Raven, and the twins make their appearance as Fred, Wilma, Bam-Bam, and Pebbles.

I give Nick a nod, trying not to laugh. “Nice dress.”

“It’s a caveman kilt.” The glare that accompanies his bullshit prevents me from ragging him any further.

“Cute shirts.” Korie sticks her thumb in the air, giving my wife and I her seal of approval. “Nothing like a not-so-subtle middle finger to the paps. I approve this message.”

While Li’l Bit chats with the women, I squat down to say hello to my pint-sized besties. “I’m diggin’ the bone in your hair, Ava.”

“Thank you, Uncle Lyle,” the almost four-year-old sings. “And I love the scary man on your shirt.”

“Thanks, princess.”

“I can see Uncle Aiden’s booty,” she whispers, loud enough for her father to hear, who shoots the resident dumbass a scathing look.

“Yeah.” I nod, glancing over and cringing at the back of his costume, which is little more than butt floss. “Don’t get too close in case he farts.”

She shrieks. “Ewww!”

“I’m serious. Have you ever heard of a shart?”

She shakes her little head.

“It’s when you shh—poop,” I correct when I feel Raven’s eyes lasering in on me. “When you poop and fart at the same time.”

“I thought that was diarrhea.” She crosses her little arms, calling bullshit.

I shake my head. “Diarrhea is runny. A shart is more like a poof of poop. Just like poop crumbs that accompany the fart.”

“Lyle!” Raven hip-checks me in the arm, causing me to fall back onto my butt. “That’s not appropriate.”

“Did you ever sharted before, Momma?” the little blonde asks, taking her mother’s hand.

I’m waiting with rapt fascination for Ray’s response when all hell breaks loose. There’s a loud “Bam! Bam!” followed by Aiden releasing a high-pitched scream.

I might’ve missed the action, but there’s no mistaking what just happened when I see Alex holding his club proudly to his chest and Aiden cupping his loin cloth to his junk.

“Alex!” Nick tries to reprimand his kid but can’t stop laughing. Everyone but Tarzan himself is in absolute hysterics.

When the laughter finally starts to wind down, I overhear my wife suggestively tell Anika she should take him inside and kiss his owie, and I fucking lose it all over again.

“Oh, God, no.” Anika couldn’t look more repulsed.