“I don’t live here, Mami, I was coming back.” My mother gave me one of those knowing looks like she could see right through my bullshit.

“Do you want to move back to New York, Mija?” she asked as we sat on the bed. I reached for one of her hands. They were worn and rough from years of working with harsh chemicals cleaning people’s houses and once again I wished things would’ve been easier for her.

“It’s where you are, Mami, I can’t just abandon you and Mimita.” I knew then, as I’d known for weeks, that I didn’t want to leave. But if my mother needed me I would go back.

“Ay, Mija.” The soul-deep regret in those two words sliced through me. My mom’s brown eyes looked up at me with such sorrow, my eyes blurred. “You need to go where your dreams take you.” She shook her head, a bittersweet smile on her face as she looked at one of the sketches I’d pinned to the wall. “We came here to make way for you to do bigger things than we ever could, not to clip your wings with our mistakes. I depended too much on you, mi amor.”

“No, Ma, I wanted to help.” My mother tsked and squeezed my hand.

“I know you did, you were always so strong, so capable, and I got too used to letting you handle things. But it was too much to ask you.” The regret in her eyes hurt, but I knew she’d done her best.

“You were strong too, Mami, and you managed.”

“I did,” my mother agreed, as she ran the scratchy pad of her thumb over the palm of my hand. “But I don’t want a life of just managing for you, baby. I want you to be happy.”

A sob escaped my throat at my mom’s words, because happiness now looked and sounded like Theo and that was gone. “You shouldn’t have to be trapped by my choices.” I began to shake my head, ready to disagree and fight her on that. “I am so proud of the woman you are, so strong. But, sweetheart, I don’t want to see you bent in half from the weight of what you have to carry on your own.”

An image of Theo begging me to let him take care of me pulled another ragged sob from my throat.

“I don’t know, Mami. What if I can’t make this business work? What if he betrays me?” From the knowing smile my mother was flashing me, it was clear I didn’t need to say who the “he” was.