“I don’t want to start hating it.” That came out of nowhere, but after I said it, I knew it was true. Theo looked confused, which, fair. But saying the words gave me some clarity. “I started doing the makeovers because I love books and it was a fun way to blend the two things that I was obsessed with. It made my friends happy and I made a little money so I stayed with it. When it was just me doing the makeovers I felt more in control, but dealing with Chase, I’ve realized that leveling up will be a challenge in ways I didn’t anticipate.”

Theo winced at the mention of Chase, and I realized he might feel responsible for that. “I’m being dramatic, this is an amazing opportunity and I should be happy I have it.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. The more I did the more daunting this would feel. I pushed down the niggling feeling that I’d be forced to give away pieces of myself to make a go out of this. Because the reality was I’d probably still do it.

“I have to get back to this, thanks for dinner.” I turned my back to him, like the rude asshole I was.

“I can keep you company.” He sounded so earnest, so eager. But that wouldn’t last. He’d get tired of the long nights and the stretches when I didn’t respond to calls and canceled plans last-minute. It wouldn’t take much time before he realized that being good at my job came at the cost of being super shitty at my personal life. “Theo, I can’t lose my focus here, and this...” He stiffened as I waved a hand between us. “Is a distraction.”

“Alba, If you’d let me be there—” I couldn’t let him say it. A memory of my dad saying the same words to my mother, only to resent her later, came to mind.

“I can’t offer more than what happened last night, Theo. I can’t get involved with you or anyone. There is too much riding on this. I...” I palmed my forehead, all of a sudden feeling feverish, nausea roiling in my belly. “Last night was good, it was great. But I just. I want us to be friends.”

“You are under a tight schedule right now and I can understand that—”

My laugh was bitter. I hardly recognized that woman.

“There will always be something else for me. And I will probably jump after that too. This is who I am, Theo.” I made myself look at him, curled my lip disdainfully, like he was a waste of my time. All the while I felt like my insides had been scooped out. Hollow. “I’m obsessive about my work, self-absorbed to a fault when it comes to getting ahead.”

“You carry a lot, your family...”